aftermath {just write}

May 21, 2013 by Salem Archer Anderson {gray daisies}

Yesterday, one of the worst tornadoes in history ripped through the Oklahoma City area.  My sister, who nearly died after being hit by a drunk driver just 5 months ago, lives in that area.

Thankfully, her home and her family were not directly effected. But it stirred up all kinds of emotions and fears.

Understandably, for her – and surprisingly, for me.

I’m still not sure why.  Perhaps it’s my own near death experience?  Perhaps it’s because I have not seen my sister since I flew out to OKC just 10 days after her accident.  She was still trapped somewhere in the dark depths of unconsciousness, struggling for moments of lucidity and awareness.  I stayed in the town of Moore, OK.  The very town devastated by yesterday’s natural disaster.

My family and I were planning on driving out to visit my sister and her family over this holiday weekend.  But we’ve decided to cancel that trip now.

And I wonder, am I allowing fear to rule this decision, or just common-sense?

My sister is planning to fly out here and stay most of this summer with my parents while she undergoes hyperbaric oxygen therapy for the brain injury she acquired from the car accident.

So I will be seeing her and her family within a couple weeks…but she’s planning to stay at our parents’ house — so the unsettled relationship that I have with my parents is starting to cause me some anxiety (again!).

I keep typing words, piecing together these sentences, slamming down the delete button — over and over again.  I am trying to figure out why this seemingly random string of events is bothering me so much.  What is truly going on underneath it all?

Life goes on, it always has, it always will.

But right now, I kinda wish I had a pause button.

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I’m joining in Just Write again at The EO.  Attempting…it’s been too long.  Head on over and check out some really amazing writers!

Posted in borderline personality disorder, family, gray area, health, memoir, self-discovery | Tagged , , , , | Leave a Comment »

it’s not my fault

April 30, 2013 by Salem Archer Anderson {gray daisies}

The Blame Game.

I’ve made a realization over the past months that my biggest problem isn’t  that I grew up with a Borderline Personality Disorder mother.  Nope.  It’s that I’ve latched on to blaming her and her BPD for all that is wrong and unsavory in my world.

A year ago, I finally found out why I could never have the relationship i yearned for with my parents.  It was incredibly freeing.  ”Thank God, I’m not the crazy one”  But…I fixated on it.  I devoured countless books on BPD and Adult Children of BPD Parents, plus many more general self-help titles.

I was weary from this forced transformation I was attempting.  I wanted to be healed – right now.  RIGHT NOW DAMNIT!

I wanted to get to a point that I could look back from and say, “whew, I’m glad I don’t have to deal with/think about that anymore.”

I will always be that little girl with a whacked out mom.  I’m realizing that this journey of healing is so much like the recovering addict’s journey.  Once an addict, always an addict.  There is no magic pill, or mantra to clean your slate.

Letting go of the blame is part of the healing process for sure.  And honestly, it’s one I could never imagine being able to do.  I was happily loathing them from afar…wishing they would up and decide to move to Timbuktu.

I picked up SARK’s Transformation Soup a month or so ago.  And the words nearly pierced through my heart.  “Stop Blaming Your Mother.”

At first I scoffed, well you don’t know my mother.  Then as I read on, it began to resonate with me.  I was unwillingly for sure.  I stopped reading the book midway through, pulled my bookmark and buried that book behind some old high school year books.

Those words haunted me in my dreams.  In my dreams, my mom and dad were nurturing me, being the parents I have always wished for.  In my dreams, my mom and dad apologized, and in my dreams, I forgave my mom and dad.

The dreams I had previously frequented — the ones where I was yelling and screaming at my parents to get away from me and my kids, the dreams that sometimes even escalated to violence — made sense to me.  I was angry, hurt, confused and I wanted to keep my parents as far from me and my family as possible.

These new love-laced dreams were disturbing.  What was my psyche trying to tell me?

“Heal, sweet Salem, just heal.”

I will never get an apology in real life.  But it’s not relevant any more.  I know who my parents are, and I can accept it {or at least working on accepting it}.

Forgiveness is not about forgetting the past.  It’s about allowing yourself to stop blaming — yourself, your mother, your father…whoever.

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growing {old & up}

March 1, 2013 by Salem Archer Anderson {gray daisies}

I have a fear of becoming my mother.

Probably a little more so than your average woman does.

Of course, the whole genetics thing is difficult to overcome.   The older I get the more and more I look like her (even though everyone always said I looked just like my dad when I was a kid – go figure!).  I hate catching glimpses of her while looking in the mirror.

I am realizing though, that I have very little control over physical traits – like how my face is shaped!

And that those traits don’t really matter much to my kids.

They just see their own mom when they look at me.

But my actions, my emotions, my parenting, and pretty much everything else – I do have control over.

And through those parts of myself, I try to give my kids the childhood that I wish I could have had.

The first and foremost being an emotionally stable mother.

 

Posted in beginnings, borderline personality disorder, family, self-discovery, tainted childhood | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

close your eyes, make a wish

February 27, 2013 by Salem Archer Anderson {gray daisies}

A wish list from my inner child:

hugs and i love you’s – everyday – heck, multiple times a day even!

books read to me – I don’t ever remember either parent ever reading to me, ever.

a healthy diet – I grew up on processed, refined and pre-packaged junk food – ugh!

cuddle time – like at bedtime or just while watching tv – I hated feeling so alone and disconnected all the time.

Posted in beginnings, borderline personality disorder, family, gray area, memoir, self-discovery, tainted childhood | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

time to heal

February 25, 2013 by Salem Archer Anderson {gray daisies}

Source: Pinterest

 

Healing.

That’s my keyword for 2013.

It’s taken me over an month to come to it.  I’ve never been big on New Year’s Resolutions. January and February are for hibernating, not hitting the gym!  I like to let the energy of the new year settle in for a while, before I decide where it is going to lead me on my journey.

In reflection 2012 was a little edgy.  Last January and February (in full disaccord to my own beliefs about hibernation) I bleached out my long brown tresses – like platinum blonde! – and then decided on a whim to cut those crunchy fried locks.  I weilded the scissors myself one afternoon during nap time!  I didn’t go all Britney Spears (remember the shaved head incident?)  But I did lop off about 6 inches and ended up with it at chin length after my shocked stylist fixed it all up for me again.   I was frantically trying to change myself and leave my past behind.  But I was only looking on the outside – which really is the easiest part to change.

Springtime brought with it an epiphany of sorts and I started going to counseling.  That’s when everything started making a lot more sense.  By Fall, I had finally decided to confront my problems rather than continue to avoid them.  And well, that was partially freeing, but mostly painful.  At least I spoke my truth.  Even if it was only met with more accusations of how wrong and horrible I am.

With winter just weeks old, the universe decided to throw me into the fire of grief, love, pain and hope.  I took lots of naps, but did very little writing.  I found solace in cooking and sewing instead.  The decided snaps while chopping vegetables.  The simple rhythm of the sewing machine.  It was very meditative for me, shutting down the crazy, babbling monkey in my brain.

I had lengthy and emotional conversations (and rants) with Owen.  I voiced my worries and fears for my sister.  I voiced my frustrations and disappointment and anger toward my parents and their actions (or inactions in most cases).

It all kept me from imploding into myself.  I wasn’t about to slip into that deep and dark hole.  I just needed to get through it all and find some time to breathe and just be.

I never got around to the healing last year.

The truth seemed to do a good job of crumbling the past (and some of the present).

Now it’s time to clean up the mess and make way for a new beginning…

:::     :::     :::     :::     :::     :::     :::     :::

I’ve rediscovered SARK’s writing and am hoping to give this healing process a little extra help with her books Transformation Soup and Glad No Matter What. Have you read these titles? Do you have any must-reads on healing?

Posted in beginnings, family, gray area, self-discovery | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

breaking the ice {my memoirs}

February 4, 2013 by Salem Archer Anderson {gray daisies}

“Your sister has been in a car accident and she is in critical condition.  We just thought we should pass the news on to you…and sometime you should just answer your phone.”

 

:::     :::     :::     :::     :::     :::     :::     :::

For over two years I haven’t spoken to my parents.  And in early December, this was the message my mom leaves me.  Her voice trembling with emotion, yet she still managed to pull off the spitefulness with her last words.  Because, well, it’s always gotta be somebody else’s fault (good ol’ Borderline Personality Disorder!).  

 I did tighten it up a bit (she had left more details about the hospital and my brother-in-law’s condition) thus the usage of the “…” but otherwise it’s verbatim.

I’m looking forward to sharing more of this story in the future.  But for now, this is my way of breaking the ice.  

 

 

Posted in borderline personality disorder, family, memoir | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

second chances {my fiction}

January 31, 2013 by Salem Archer Anderson {gray daisies}

She stood up a little straighter.  Shoulders back, chin up.  Her right hand instinctively reached up to smooth her flowing chocolate strands flying in the autumn breeze.

Does he remember me?  It’s been so many years.  We were practically children…

Her thoughts wandered through fuzzy memories of adolescent yearnings and confusion.

She looked around.  Children running, tossing balls, in the grassy bowl of the elementary school yard.

Her own children were down there somewhere.  His were too.

When did this happen?  When did we become the grown-ups?  The old people?  When did we become our parents?

Theryn still felt like that fourteen year old girl who was trying so hard to leave her childhood behind.  She had been running away for over twenty years.

As she stood on the sidelines of the children’s games, she pulled out her phone and acted like she was engrossed in reading and tapping out messages.  She couldn’t bring herself to look up again.

Josh watched her from the shaded lenses of his sunglasses, masking his line of sight.  He was certain it was her.  There was no mistaking Theryn, even spending most of their lives apart, that small flutter in his stomach told him without question it was her.

As his stood there amidst the memories of a life past, the fluttering turned into knots, and his conscience reminded him of the stupid, selfish actions of 15 year old boy.

:::     :::     :::     :::     :::     :::     :::     :::

I’ve been silent here (and really, everywhere) for awhile.  It wasn’t something I did intentionally.  In all honesty, I haven’t put pen to paper for weeks at time over the past several months.  I dove into my life as a wife and mother, hoping to busy myself enough for those worries, fears, and nagging memories of the past to fall away and let me be.  Life doesn’t work that way though, and the more I have squashed away those feelings and memories, the more Life has thrown my way to stir it all up again.  

“Face your Fears head on”, Life has told me in these past months.  So here I am again, hoping to find peace in sharing my words, my life, my art – in other words – My Heart –  on these pages and posts in this little gray garden I’m growing.  

Posted in creative hobbies, fiction, why I blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

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