I’ve been reading through some of my old, personal journal entries lately. Partly for my therapy sessions and partly because I like to be reminded where I’ve been from time to time. This one struck me as pretty important, and I think sharing it with the world (you!) is pretty important too. Just so you know, this is pretty much verbatim from my journal…I’ve only edited out the mis-spellings and some grammar to help it flow better.
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Wednesday, August 27, 2008
The future is now. And here I am…8 months later and I’m still avoiding a decision. Stay or Go? I’m still in the holding pattern. Probably the biggest, most in-your-face-reason why I avoid this journal. Fear.
Fear of making a decision. Fear of making the wrong decision. Fear of making the right decision. I never thought I feared change, but this change is so big and life-altering…the best kind of change out there, really.
Transformation lies ahead of me. I worry.
I worry if “they” will accept my transformation. I worry if I will be able to stay a good mother and a good wife.
It (this change) will set me free. At least that’s what I’ve heard. You know, from those countless intuitive/soul-searching books? I am FREE. Who says I can’t continue to live in abundance?
Sometimes letting go of things no longer needed is the best way to “have more”. Be more.
I cleaned out half my clothes in my closet over the course of the past year. Letting go is so invigorating. But it is so hard to let go of my paycheck. I feel silly and stupid and greedy all for the same reason. I want to be with my babies. I don’t want my parents to have such a major role in my daily/weekly life. I don’t want to be stuck in the same dysfunctional parent-child relationship as an adult. I want to feel like I am important. I am a mother. And a damn good one to boot. My parents don’t really see me for who I am.
I want freedom. But I fear that freedom I crave will imprison me in other ways. Financial, and as a result, emotionally with Owen. He says he supports me. And I think that he really does. I think that my fear is skewing my judgement, as fear so readily and easily does. I want to jump down the rabbit hole. I want to do so with wild abandonment –> I won’t look back.
Owen wants me to ask about a “leave of absence”. And – really – it does make logical sense. But emotionally, it is just a connection to the past. Will it be a strong enough connection with the past to affect my life? Hmmm….? Hard to say, really. I have learned through writing and reading and many serendipitous encounters that I have the sole key to my own happiness. And I’m finally “getting it”. Slowly (and sometimes in big waves and rushes of inspiration) I now SEE ME. I honestly think I NEED to cut the ties of my job, my career.
All of this stuff that surrounds me…it’s just stuff. My fear is just the “sad-bad-mad” little pill living inside my head. It’s followed me from my past. Sure, nothing’s perfect, but it seems like I have been choosing, searching for ways to wallow in pain and wallow in misery. Seraching for reasons to feel more pitiful. What a crock of crap!
I am truly blessed. And I don’t need to find any missing pieces of my soul/my self in this life. I AM WHOLE. I was born WHOLE. Just like D. and B. are whole, pure little souls. I have that power within me. I Am Free To Be Me. I know that I am with who I need to be with on my journey. Owen, D. and B. We will travel this journey together.
Anyhow – I just want to purge – everything around me. I know it doesn’t sound rational, but it’s just spilling out of me. I want to be in nature. The pressures of “having” can be overwhelming. It takes up precious time and precious energy and precious, precious moments of bliss and love.
I don’t want to be so connected to the chaos of the internet and the TV. It’s addictive – and I feel the yearnings and cravings for my “fix” even while I am outside playing with my babies. I don’t like it. It makes me feel black and moldy on the inside. It’s not real.
I want to feel real, present. I want to feel invigorated.
I am ready to take the leap. Right now.
I want to purge & release & change everything.
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It still took me another 6 months to finally cut the cord to my career. My parents were watching my two kids during the two days each week that I was working, which I knew wasn’t healthy for any of us…but I just couldn’t put my finger on exactly why. This was written nearly 4 years ago, and it is amazing to me how much has changed since then. Perhaps this entry was the catalyst for me to finally listen to my intuition and do what was right for me and my family?