Archive for the ‘beginnings’ Category

The Blame Game.

I’ve made a realization over the past months that my biggest problem isn’t  that I grew up with a Borderline Personality Disorder mother.  Nope.  It’s that I’ve latched on to blaming her and her BPD for all that is wrong and unsavory in my world.

A year ago, I finally found out why I could never have the relationship i yearned for with my parents.  It was incredibly freeing.  ”Thank God, I’m not the crazy one”  But…I fixated on it.  I devoured countless books on BPD and Adult Children of BPD Parents, plus many more general self-help titles.

I was weary from this forced transformation I was attempting.  I wanted to be healed – right now.  RIGHT NOW DAMNIT!

I wanted to get to a point that I could look back from and say, “whew, I’m glad I don’t have to deal with/think about that anymore.”

I will always be that little girl with a whacked out mom.  I’m realizing that this journey of healing is so much like the recovering addict’s journey.  Once an addict, always an addict.  There is no magic pill, or mantra to clean your slate.

Letting go of the blame is part of the healing process for sure.  And honestly, it’s one I could never imagine being able to do.  I was happily loathing them from afar…wishing they would up and decide to move to Timbuktu.

I picked up SARK’s Transformation Soup a month or so ago.  And the words nearly pierced through my heart.  “Stop Blaming Your Mother.”

At first I scoffed, well you don’t know my mother.  Then as I read on, it began to resonate with me.  I was unwillingly for sure.  I stopped reading the book midway through, pulled my bookmark and buried that book behind some old high school year books.

Those words haunted me in my dreams.  In my dreams, my mom and dad were nurturing me, being the parents I have always wished for.  In my dreams, my mom and dad apologized, and in my dreams, I forgave my mom and dad.

The dreams I had previously frequented — the ones where I was yelling and screaming at my parents to get away from me and my kids, the dreams that sometimes even escalated to violence — made sense to me.  I was angry, hurt, confused and I wanted to keep my parents as far from me and my family as possible.

These new love-laced dreams were disturbing.  What was my psyche trying to tell me?

“Heal, sweet Salem, just heal.”

I will never get an apology in real life.  But it’s not relevant any more.  I know who my parents are, and I can accept it {or at least working on accepting it}.

Forgiveness is not about forgetting the past.  It’s about allowing yourself to stop blaming — yourself, your mother, your father…whoever.

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I have a fear of becoming my mother.

Probably a little more so than your average woman does.

Of course, the whole genetics thing is difficult to overcome.   The older I get the more and more I look like her (even though everyone always said I looked just like my dad when I was a kid – go figure!).  I hate catching glimpses of her while looking in the mirror.

I am realizing though, that I have very little control over physical traits – like how my face is shaped!

And that those traits don’t really matter much to my kids.

They just see their own mom when they look at me.

But my actions, my emotions, my parenting, and pretty much everything else – I do have control over.

And through those parts of myself, I try to give my kids the childhood that I wish I could have had.

The first and foremost being an emotionally stable mother.

 

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A wish list from my inner child:

hugs and i love you’s – everyday – heck, multiple times a day even!

books read to me – I don’t ever remember either parent ever reading to me, ever.

a healthy diet – I grew up on processed, refined and pre-packaged junk food – ugh!

cuddle time – like at bedtime or just while watching tv – I hated feeling so alone and disconnected all the time.

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Source: Pinterest

 

Healing.

That’s my keyword for 2013.

It’s taken me over an month to come to it.  I’ve never been big on New Year’s Resolutions. January and February are for hibernating, not hitting the gym!  I like to let the energy of the new year settle in for a while, before I decide where it is going to lead me on my journey.

In reflection 2012 was a little edgy.  Last January and February (in full disaccord to my own beliefs about hibernation) I bleached out my long brown tresses – like platinum blonde! – and then decided on a whim to cut those crunchy fried locks.  I weilded the scissors myself one afternoon during nap time!  I didn’t go all Britney Spears (remember the shaved head incident?)  But I did lop off about 6 inches and ended up with it at chin length after my shocked stylist fixed it all up for me again.   I was frantically trying to change myself and leave my past behind.  But I was only looking on the outside – which really is the easiest part to change.

Springtime brought with it an epiphany of sorts and I started going to counseling.  That’s when everything started making a lot more sense.  By Fall, I had finally decided to confront my problems rather than continue to avoid them.  And well, that was partially freeing, but mostly painful.  At least I spoke my truth.  Even if it was only met with more accusations of how wrong and horrible I am.

With winter just weeks old, the universe decided to throw me into the fire of grief, love, pain and hope.  I took lots of naps, but did very little writing.  I found solace in cooking and sewing instead.  The decided snaps while chopping vegetables.  The simple rhythm of the sewing machine.  It was very meditative for me, shutting down the crazy, babbling monkey in my brain.

I had lengthy and emotional conversations (and rants) with Owen.  I voiced my worries and fears for my sister.  I voiced my frustrations and disappointment and anger toward my parents and their actions (or inactions in most cases).

It all kept me from imploding into myself.  I wasn’t about to slip into that deep and dark hole.  I just needed to get through it all and find some time to breathe and just be.

I never got around to the healing last year.

The truth seemed to do a good job of crumbling the past (and some of the present).

Now it’s time to clean up the mess and make way for a new beginning…

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I’ve rediscovered SARK’s writing and am hoping to give this healing process a little extra help with her books Transformation Soup and Glad No Matter What. Have you read these titles? Do you have any must-reads on healing?

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July is waning…only about one week until August graces us with his golden presence.

When I started this blog back in April, I can honestly say I had no idea where I was going to go with it.  But I just had this pull – this nudging – to do it.  Gray Daisies was something that stayed in my head, directly related to the phrases, “my little garden of truth” and “…because life is not black & white”.

Source: goo.gl on Pinterest

 

I wanted to share my story.  My experiences as a child, young adult, and now a full-fledged grown-up (wife, mother, etc.)  There has always been a part of me that knew my situation was different than most.  Not completely horrific, like some stories you may hear, but still, completely unhealthy and completely dysfunctional.

During these past weeks, I’ve thought about closing up shop here.  Taking some time to sort through my recent realizations and confirmations about my childhood and my relationship (or lack thereof) with my own parents and my mother’s mental illness (Borderline Personality Disorder).

But that doesn’t feel entirely right to me either.  I want to document this journey for myself and hopefully for others out there that may have similar experiences.

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that this blog of mine needs to become a sounding board for the adult children of borderline parents.  Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is something that is very prevalent in our society, yet is hardly ever spoken of, or even diagnosed for that fact!

While I realize that someone suffering from BPD has many issues to confront and overcome, I also know first-hand that someone who was raised by a BPD parent has many of their own issues to confront and overcome as well.

So…welcome to Gray Daisies – a place where I will share my story of being raised by a parent with Borderline Personality Disorder and my journey to overcome and thrive.

Gray Daisies is still my “little garden”.  It won’t always be so serious and depressing here.  I certainly don’t like to wallow in misery – and having a sense of humor is essential for surviving this world of ours!  But this BPD thing has certainly defined my life and who I am (for better or worse!) and it will be a strong theme in my posts.

Enjoy the last days of July!

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We planted our garden about 10 days ago.  B. and E. had fun playing in the dirt.  D., well, he lost interest after the first couple plants…not what I expected, considering he was the most excited about making a garden this year!  Six year olds – go figure!

garden1

We have three of these little circles, each with similar veggies growing. One for each of the kiddos.

garden2

They are probably a bit undersized for the plants, but we’ll just see how it all grows this year. So far there have been two hail storms that threatened to rip these little guys to shreds…thankfully, the hail stayed about pea-sized and little damage was done!

garden3

I am looking forward to watching these gardens grow, watching my kiddos learn to take care of them, and learning about growing my family’s food – something I’ve always been curious about, but never tried.

garden4

These three little gardens are going to be one of our summertime adventures this year! Here’s to long sunshine-y days!

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It is one of the turning points in therapy when the patient comes to the emotional insight that all the love she has captured with so much effort and self-denial was not meant for her as she really was, that the admiration for her beauty and achievements was aimed at this beauty and these achievements and not at the child herself. In therapy, the small and lonely child that is hidden behind her achievements wakes up and asks: “What would have happened if I had appeared before you sad, needy, angry, furious? Where would your love have been then? And I was all these things well. Does this mean that it was not really me you loved, but only what I pretended to be? The well-behaved, reliable, empathic, understanding, and convenient child, who in fact was never a child at all? What became of my childhood? Have I not been cheated out of it? I can never return to it. I can never make up for it.” (Drama of the Gifted Child, Alice Miller, 1996, p.39)

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I am that childall grown up.

Source: tumblr.com via Pinterest

 

I am grieving.

In my own rebellious way right now.

I don’t want to cry for that little girl that never felt good enough.
That just wanted so desperately to make her mom and dad happy or proud – that sweet, little, innocent girl that felt she had to earn their unconditional love.

Fuck them!
Nope, she did not deserve any of that!

I didn’t deserve any of that!

Right now, I just want to…

Set. Her. Free.

Go crazy sweet baby girl!

Do whatever your little heart desires.

Make a mess!

(And make mistakes…it’s OK, I promise.)

Color outside the lines – backwards and sideways while your at it!

Let your heart soar — let it fly away!

You are free.

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If you’re new here, let me explain some stuff.  I started therapy awhile back because I thought I was living with too much anxiety.  I had some life-changing experiences and thought the trauma was still affecting my life.  However, I have learned that my mother suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and that my father is co-dependant and enabling of the situation, the illness.   Anyways…this is where I am at right now.  Angry and sad all at once.  But, I also feel like a huge weight is lifting from my life.  Thanks for stopping by to read! ~ S.A.A.

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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

I’ve been living with an inferiority complex for over three decades. I have been consciously aware of this since I was about 12.

To remedy it, I have tried to be more and do more, and basically just be perfect.

All. The. Time.

I’ve always thought it was me, that I was my toughest critic.
That I was just born so serious and so anxious and so un-fun-loving.

Then I told my therapist this story. Which made her sit up a little straighter, scribble notes down, and ask more questions about my relationship with my parents.

We all have broken bits and pieces from our childhood. But what happens when you find out your own childhood was toxic, laced with mental illness, damaging you in so many ways?

I am 36 years old, a wife and a mother to three, and I am still terrified of my parents.

And now I finally know the truth.

Borderline Personality Disorder.

My mother has “high-functioning, invisible” Borderline Personality Disorder.  And my dad, well, he’s all shades of co-dependent and enabling.

I’ve spent a lifetime walking on eggshells around them, trying to keep them happy, trying to keep the unpredictable fits of rage at bay.  But nothing was ever good enough.

It’s no wonder I have issues with anxiety.

While they will likely never seek help, and will continue to blame those closest to them for all that is wrong (both real and imagined), I am determined to heal from my lifetime of shame, guilt and chaos.

Suddenly, my world makes so much more sense. It doesn’t excuse anything that has happened. I will never be able to have my parents in my life – I will protect my children from that toxic world to no end. But, being able to label their dysfunction (because I’ve suspected it since I was 18) has been incredibly validating for me.

I can finally step back and say, “I am not the horrible person they think I am, I am OK.

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I am forever grateful for Aidan Donnelly Rowley’s post. While my life experiences may be completely different than her own – reading her words opened up a door in my soul that I had bolted shut so many years ago. Her post, her words, sharing her own personal journey, helped me take my first steps of healing.

Thank you, Aidan, so very much.

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At the tender age of seven, I took it upon myself to write my very first book.  I illustrated it, and covered it with construction paper, printing out the title and all three of my names (yes, even back then!).  I still have it.  And, lately I’ve considered framing it in a shadow box to hang up as a reminder of who am I.

I am a writer.  Words bubble up from my soul.  I watch, observe and imagine more than most people (except for my fellow writer’s).  Stories appear everywhere, characters playing through my mind, introducing themselves, asking to be tucked away to wait for their stories to unfold.

I wrote and read my way through high school.  And one would think that someone like me would have been a Literature major, but no.  I went to a very competitive engineering and science school.  Mostly because my friends and family questioned what I would do with a Literature major, besides teach (which I knew I didn’t want to do).

In college, I wrote technical papers aplenty and found a niche that continued into my career.  Technical people typically do not write well.  So between my natural ability with words and my desire to actually sit down and document technical processes, well, I was in high demand.

Then, about seven or eight years ago, I started feeling out of sorts.  A book called “The Artist’s Way“, by Julia Cameron, came into my life in a round about way.  That book reacquainted me with my creative self.  And, over time, my life began to change in small and sometimes dramatic ways.

There was a particular poem that Julia Cameron wrote that I printed out and hung in my office.  Only a handful of coworkers actually took the time to read it, and out of those people, only one person commented.  He asked if I had written it.  I chuckled something like “I wish”.  He looked me straight in the eyes and told me, “Stop wishing that you were a writer, and just start writing.”

That comment sparked a conversation that lasted over an hour.  This man, a co-worker that I had only spoken to briefly here and there about work, became my messenger, my guide.  What he said to me was so off-the-cuff and honest, it pierced right through my daily-life filters and sunk in, deep.  Here I am, many years later, still feeling the spot in my soul where his words landed.

I don’t know where I’m headed in this journey of words –  my words, my stories, my truth.  I’m not sure I am supposed to know where I’m going (are any of us?!).  So I will continue to write and read and follow along this winding path of words.

I would like to share the poem that started this journey for me – it so perfectly puts into words what I feel about being a writer.

Words For It, by Julia Cameron

I wish I could take language
And fold it like cool, moist rags.
I would lay words on your forehead.
I would wrap words on your wrists.
“There, there,” my words would say –
Or something better.
I would ask them to murmur,
“Hush” and “Shh, shhh, it’s all right.”
I would ask them to hold you all night.
I wish I could take language
And daub and soothe and cool
Where fever blisters and burns,
Where fever turns yourself and you.
I wish I could take language
And heal the words that were the wounds
You have no names for.

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Have you ever had one of those “a-ha” moments?  Doesn’t this poem just speak volumes about what it is to be a writer?  Do you have a favorite poem, or book, or piece of art that serves as your inspiration?   Did you major in Literature in college?  When did you write your first book (as a child, teen?)

s_a_a

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The neighbor’s across the street are moving next weekend, and the house will be rented again to a new family.

I’ve been watching them through our living room window for the past few weeks as they’ve sorted and packed and piled the boxes filled with what makes their house a home – their home – into the garage.

cinderblock

Three years ago,  I was newly inaugurated into this world of the stay-at-home-mom, as I watched that family, and their next-door neighbors move in to the houses across the street from us in a matter of a few weeks. (yes, we have 3 rental houses across the street from our house!)   In the past 5 years that we’ve lived here, we’ve known seven different families whom have lived in those 3 houses.  So far, so good. I hate to sound judgmental, because I know we’ve all been in that rental boat at some point in time…but you never know if the next family is gonna be the one that shakes up the energy on the block (in a bad way, of course – we can always use a little good energy shake up, right?!).  To be honest, I don’t know if we would have purchased this house knowing about the rentals.

Now it’s time for this family to move on to their new beginnings.  And our quiet little street will be busied with movers and moving vans.

Please, please, please let it be a younger family – kinda like mine – maybe even with a bona fide stay-at-home-mom!

I haven’t known a SAHM in real life (plenty via the internet!) since officially joining their ranks.  And I think it might be nice to have someone to connect with, and maybe even become friends with…a grown-up BFF perhaps?!  Yeah, I won’t hold my breathe.  But I will keep my fingers crossed, and my heart open.

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This is my first time linking up to Heather of the EO and her Just Write series.  Click on over, and check out her amazing words and many, many others that are joining in!  

s_a_a

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