Archive for the ‘why I blog’ Category

second chances {my fiction}

Posted in creative hobbies, fiction, why I blog, tagged , , , , , , , , on January 31, 2013 | Leave a Comment »

She stood up a little straighter.  Shoulders back, chin up.  Her right hand instinctively reached up to smooth her flowing chocolate strands flying in the autumn breeze.

Does he remember me?  It’s been so many years.  We were practically children…

Her thoughts wandered through fuzzy memories of adolescent yearnings and confusion.

She looked around.  Children running, tossing balls, in the grassy bowl of the elementary school yard.

Her own children were down there somewhere.  His were too.

When did this happen?  When did we become the grown-ups?  The old people?  When did we become our parents?

Theryn still felt like that fourteen year old girl who was trying so hard to leave her childhood behind.  She had been running away for over twenty years.

As she stood on the sidelines of the children’s games, she pulled out her phone and acted like she was engrossed in reading and tapping out messages.  She couldn’t bring herself to look up again.

Josh watched her from the shaded lenses of his sunglasses, masking his line of sight.  He was certain it was her.  There was no mistaking Theryn, even spending most of their lives apart, that small flutter in his stomach told him without question it was her.

As his stood there amidst the memories of a life past, the fluttering turned into knots, and his conscience reminded him of the stupid, selfish actions of 15 year old boy.

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I’ve been silent here (and really, everywhere) for awhile.  It wasn’t something I did intentionally.  In all honesty, I haven’t put pen to paper for weeks at time over the past several months.  I dove into my life as a wife and mother, hoping to busy myself enough for those worries, fears, and nagging memories of the past to fall away and let me be.  Life doesn’t work that way though, and the more I have squashed away those feelings and memories, the more Life has thrown my way to stir it all up again.  

“Face your Fears head on”, Life has told me in these past months.  So here I am again, hoping to find peace in sharing my words, my life, my art – in other words – My Heart –  on these pages and posts in this little gray garden I’m growing.  

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things are changing

Posted in beginnings, borderline personality disorder, why I blog, tagged , , , , , , , on July 24, 2012 | 1 Comment »

July is waning…only about one week until August graces us with his golden presence.

When I started this blog back in April, I can honestly say I had no idea where I was going to go with it.  But I just had this pull – this nudging – to do it.  Gray Daisies was something that stayed in my head, directly related to the phrases, “my little garden of truth” and “…because life is not black & white”.

Source: goo.gl on Pinterest

 

I wanted to share my story.  My experiences as a child, young adult, and now a full-fledged grown-up (wife, mother, etc.)  There has always been a part of me that knew my situation was different than most.  Not completely horrific, like some stories you may hear, but still, completely unhealthy and completely dysfunctional.

During these past weeks, I’ve thought about closing up shop here.  Taking some time to sort through my recent realizations and confirmations about my childhood and my relationship (or lack thereof) with my own parents and my mother’s mental illness (Borderline Personality Disorder).

But that doesn’t feel entirely right to me either.  I want to document this journey for myself and hopefully for others out there that may have similar experiences.

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that this blog of mine needs to become a sounding board for the adult children of borderline parents.  Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is something that is very prevalent in our society, yet is hardly ever spoken of, or even diagnosed for that fact!

While I realize that someone suffering from BPD has many issues to confront and overcome, I also know first-hand that someone who was raised by a BPD parent has many of their own issues to confront and overcome as well.

So…welcome to Gray Daisies – a place where I will share my story of being raised by a parent with Borderline Personality Disorder and my journey to overcome and thrive.

Gray Daisies is still my “little garden”.  It won’t always be so serious and depressing here.  I certainly don’t like to wallow in misery – and having a sense of humor is essential for surviving this world of ours!  But this BPD thing has certainly defined my life and who I am (for better or worse!) and it will be a strong theme in my posts.

Enjoy the last days of July!

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let freedom ring

Posted in family, memoir, self-discovery, why I blog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 27, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

I’ve been reading through some of my old, personal journal entries lately.  Partly for my therapy sessions and partly because I like to be reminded where I’ve been from time to time.  This one struck me as pretty important, and I think sharing it with the world (you!) is pretty important too.  Just so you know, this is pretty much verbatim from my journal…I’ve only edited out the mis-spellings and some grammar to help it flow better.

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Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The future is now.  And here I am…8 months later and I’m still avoiding a decision.  Stay or Go?  I’m still in the holding pattern.  Probably the biggest, most in-your-face-reason why I avoid this journal.  Fear.

Fear of making a decision.  Fear of making the wrong decision.  Fear of making the right decision.  I never thought I feared change, but this change is so big and life-altering…the best kind of change out there, really.

Transformation lies ahead of me.  I worry.

I worry if “they” will accept my transformation.  I worry if I will be able to stay a good mother and a good wife.

It (this change) will set me free.  At least that’s what I’ve heard.  You know, from those countless intuitive/soul-searching books?  I am FREE.  Who says I can’t continue to live in abundance?

Source: mr-little.com on Pinterest

Sometimes letting go of things no longer needed is the best way to “have more”.  Be more.

I cleaned out half my clothes in my closet over the course of the past year.  Letting go is so invigorating.  But it is so hard to let go of my paycheck.  I feel silly and stupid and greedy all for the same reason.  I want to be with my babies.  I don’t want my parents to have such a major role in my daily/weekly life.  I don’t want to be stuck in the same dysfunctional parent-child relationship as an adult.  I want to feel like I am important.  I am a mother.  And a damn good one to boot.  My parents don’t really see me for who I am.

I want freedom.  But I fear that freedom I crave will imprison me in other ways.  Financial, and as a result, emotionally with Owen.  He says he supports me.  And I think that he really does.  I think that my fear is skewing my judgement, as fear so readily and easily does.  I want to jump down the rabbit hole.  I want to do so with wild abandonment –> I won’t look back.

Owen wants me to ask about a “leave of absence”.  And – really – it does make logical sense.  But emotionally, it is just a connection to the past.  Will it be a strong enough connection with the past to affect my life?  Hmmm….?  Hard to say, really.  I have learned through writing and reading and many serendipitous encounters that I have the sole key to my own happiness.  And I’m finally “getting it”.  Slowly (and sometimes in big waves and rushes of inspiration) I now SEE ME.  I honestly think I NEED to cut the ties of my job, my career.

All of this stuff that surrounds me…it’s just stuff.  My fear is just the “sad-bad-mad” little pill living inside my head.  It’s followed me from my past.  Sure, nothing’s perfect, but it seems like I have been choosing, searching for ways to wallow in pain and wallow in misery.  Seraching for reasons to feel more pitiful.  What a crock of crap!

I am truly blessed.  And I don’t need to find any missing pieces of my soul/my self in this life.  I AM WHOLE.  I was born WHOLE.  Just like D. and B. are whole, pure little souls.  I have that power within me.  I Am Free To Be Me.  I know that I am with who I need to be with on my journey.  Owen, D. and B.  We will travel this journey together.

Anyhow – I just want to purge – everything around me.  I know it doesn’t sound rational, but it’s just spilling out of me.  I want to be in nature.  The pressures of “having” can be overwhelming.  It takes up precious time and precious energy and precious, precious moments of bliss and love.

I don’t want to be so connected to the chaos of the internet and the TV. It’s addictive – and I feel the yearnings and cravings for my “fix” even while I am outside playing with my babies.  I don’t like it.  It makes me feel black and moldy on the inside.  It’s not real.

I want to feel real, present.  I want to feel invigorated.

I am ready to take the leap.  Right now.

I want to purge & release & change everything.

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It still took me another 6 months to finally cut the cord to my career.  My parents were watching my two kids during the two days each week that I was working, which I knew wasn’t healthy for any of us…but I just couldn’t put my finger on exactly why.  This  was written nearly 4 years ago, and it is amazing to me how much has changed since then.  Perhaps this entry was the catalyst for me to finally listen to my intuition and do what was right for me and my family?  

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the law of love

Posted in gray area, why I blog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2012 | 2 Comments »

Gratitude is the buzz word these days.  Be thankful for all that you have, send positive energy out into the Universe and it will be reciprocated tenfold.

Yes, I believe in Gratitude.

But, first and foremost, I believe in Love.

Source: youngmarriedchic.com on Pinterest

Awhile back, I stumbled upon this blog post about writing a daily love list.

It struck a chord with me, and I’ve been writing love lists in my private journal for weeks now.

-  I love writing.

-  I love sharing my writing.  

Those were the first two things I decided to list the very first time I did the exercise.  At the time, I was feeling silly and self-absorbed for even considering that my blog would be reader-worthy.  But then, I realized, who really cares?  I blog because I feel the need to share these pieces of myself with the world.  

Like so many other writer-types out there, I am an introvert.  So if you were to meet up with me in person, I would likely be quiet and reserved, especially if I didn’t know you very well.  This is my space in the world to share those thoughts and feelings, musings, etc. that I would likely keep bumping into in my mind for years to come, never finding a voice to free them.

This love list thing – I dare you to try it sometime!   Sit down with your journal, or a laptop, or even a napkin – and write a list of 10 things that you love (about yourself, your life, the world around you!).  I guarantee the more you do it, the more you’ll love it!

Love is where we come from and where we are going.

In the wise words of The Beatles’, “Love is all you need.“

I believe in Love.

I hope you believe in Love too.

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What do you love most about what makes you, You?  Have you ever made a love list or a gratitude list?  Is love really all you need (besides the basics of food, shelter, etc.)?  

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the duality {Trifecta}

Posted in art, creative hobbies, poetry, why I blog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 21, 2012 | 5 Comments »

Morning light filters through

And my purple clover reaches for more

light

I shut my eyes to thoughts that race

“What If”  never finds peace

And my blue mood reaches for more

dark

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A little poetry for the Trifecta Challenge this week.  Blue – as in “feeling blue” – was the prompt this week.  Now, go enjoy some more wonderful Trifecta writing! 

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you’re so vain…

Posted in memoir, self-discovery, why I blog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 20, 2012 | 6 Comments »

…you probably think this blog is about you.

Well, you’re wrong! It’s about me! (I’m the vain one here!)

Vanity & Aging.

It happens to the best of us. No matter how hard we try to defy time (and gravity!) our bodies insist of sagging and wrinkling and discoloring (age spots, gray hairs).

And I think it’s one of those things – like having kids – that you don’t fully understand until it happens to you. Until more recent years, I never really understood why women would spend hundreds of dollars on those anti-aging elixirs…or even cosmetic surgery!

I always thought I would “age gracefully” – which meant that I would look years younger than I actually was! But, today, at 36 years old, when I look in the mirror, or I see photos of myself, I think, “Who is that woman?!”

I don’t feel old…but I sure do look old!

I know that part of my problem stems from my tumultuous relationship with my own mother. Instead of seeing myself, I see my mom. Damn you, genetics! Don’t get me wrong, she is an attractive woman, but she’s the last person I want looking back at me in my mirror!

This aging thing feels like it just snuck up on me.  I was busy for the past 7 years being a wife and mother (I even juggled career for the first four years!) and unfortunately, I lost myself along the way.  Not entirely, mind you.  But I certainly lost the part that swore she would never “let herself go“.

I have let myself go.  I wear elastic waistbands (oh how I heart thee yoga pants!) 95% of the time…because they’re so comfy and I still have about 15 lbs of baby fat to lose (my baby is almost two now, so that baby fat excuse is getting pretty thin!).  I seldom wear makeup…and my freckles are starting to morph into age spots, not to mention the wrinkles around my eyes and forehead.   Can you say, “Laser surgery is my friend”?

I am fully aware of the “You’re only as old as you feel” adage.  And mentally, I am feeling better than I have in so, so long.  I am very grateful for that.  I do realize that maybe my outward appearance has slipped because I’ve been doing lots of restructuring and sorting out on the inside.  I also realize that I am certainly not alone in my wishful vanities and anti-aging battles.

I’m still me.  That mom-like person looking back at me in the mirror…that’s still me too.  I am a mom (but that does not mean that I am my mom).  Who I am on the outside is not nearly as important as who I am on the inside…but I have a sneaking suspicion now that my insides are humming along my outsides want some much needed (and missed!) attention!

 

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It seems a little shallow and silly to be talking so much about my outsides…but the outside and the inside both play a part in what makes me a whole person!  Society is so hypocritical – expecting supermodel beauty, but telling you how shameful vanity is!  Do you feel like your insides and outsides match/work together?  

Just Write is already in it’s 40th weekly installment…go read some more!

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The Gift {Trifecta}

Posted in creative hobbies, fiction, why I blog, tagged , , , , , , , on June 14, 2012 | 4 Comments »

Source: topit.me via Pinterest

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“Be a good boy, Mosley.”

I felt the sun’s warmth still lingering in the bricks on the garage wall as I leaned back. I slid my thumb across the shiny rectangle in my hand, tapped here and there, looking for something to fill the time. June’s cool night air rustled my hair into my face.

Outside the wooden gate, I heard something moving.  Then, a faint grunting sound.

“Damn it!” I hissed. “That raccoon!”  I said loudly, in hopes that the little bandit would be startled and find another back alley trash can to dine from.

Mosley’s flat little pug face was vacuuming the grass, in search of a spot worthy of his poo.

“Be a good boy, Mosley. Let’s go night-night.”

I coaxed him along, wondering if there would ever be a day that didn’t end or begin with me involved with some sort of defecation.  Between diaper changes, potty training and Mosley my poo-less prospects were slim.

The muffled grunt, and rustle had caught Mosley’s attention this time too.  He was kicking his back legs for a job well done, and woofing his little yappy snort.

I opened the back gate into the alley, searching the gravel for trash, and a fleeting coon.

But nothing.

There it was again.

Except, instead of a grunt, it sounded like the soft gurgle of a baby – a human baby.

I felt my arm hairs prickle with the chill of uncertainty.  I picked up Mosley, wanting to head back inside. He growled at the lilacs near the garage and I saw movement in the dimly lit alley; it was definitely not a raccoon.

Rocking ever so slightly, with tiny feet peering out from a fluttering, fuzzy blanket, there sat a baby carrier, with an envelope duct taped to the handle.

“It’s a baby, Mosley.” Although I was mostly just talking to myself, out of sheer disbelief.  I walked over, and knelt down.  A pale green pacifier bobbed frantically in her tiny mouth.

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I had to try my hand (or words, in this case!) again at Trifecta this week!  I forgot how fun writing fiction and spinning up a story can be! Thanks Trifecta for some much needed inspiration!   Now go check out all the other awesome participants this week.

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everything zen

Posted in family, fun, memoir, summer, why I blog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 12, 2012 | 2 Comments »

Zen – (n) 1. contemplation of one’s essential nature to the exclusion of all else is the only way of achieving pure enlightenment

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I am settling into summer’s essence. Sunshine warming my skin, vibrant blue skies above, and the hum of life all around me.

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We walked down to the school-park again this morning. It’s quiet and I love watching E. wander around picking dandelions.

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My eyes, my ears…my senses are so much more alive right now than I ever remember them being before. I watched my little people running and playing and rolling down the grassy hills. I thought about joining in, I really did.

And maybe I should have.

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Except that it felt so inexplicably perfect to sit on the steps and watch them be them.

They are happy. They are content. And they are so full of love.

I lost myself in the moment, just floating above it all while a true and deep sense of calm radiated itself through my body.

I don’t really have words for it. Just Be comes to mind, yet it was so much more and so much less – in the true nature of Zen.

I do know this…it was good.

{just write}

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Have you ever found yourself truly in the moment? Does time ever stand still, only for you to realize it after the fact? I’m not talking “sci-fi” here, I’m talking real life. Have you found that place where you are safe to lose yourself? For me, my kids take me there all the time – and so does my free-writing/journaling…sometimes even when I’m sewing I feel myself floating away. What about you?

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The Watchling

Posted in fiction, gray area, why I blog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 6, 2012 | 10 Comments »

I watch her.

I ache.

She shudders.

“I’m still here,” I whisper, faintly.

She closes her eyes.

“I’m still here,” my whisper fills her ears, and she shakes her head, trying to ignore, escape.

I watch her:

At the park

In her car

Running errands

Visiting with friends.

I ache.

She shudders.

“I’m still here,” I whisper again.

I close my eyes.

I am alone, floating weightless, aimless, boundless.

My ears flush with warmth.  I ache to feel her essence.

I open my eyes.  Slowly, I focus.  There are cars, a street, trees reaching from the concrete sidewalks, stretching to grab a ray of sunshine through the towering shadows of the cityscape.

My eyes are adjusting; I can’t seem to find definition in my surroundings.  Everything is gray.  The colors faded, muted, gone.

A young girl is standing on the corner, just feet away from me.  She is watching me.  But no one else seems to notice.   I am just as faded and muted as the rest of the city.

The girl’s mother is holding her daughter’s hand and a cell phone in the other, chatting away about a pair of shoes she saw in a store window display earlier that day.

I shudder.

My gaze goes back to the little girl, curiously watching my every move.  I manage to smile, albeit weakly , but a kind gesture none the less.  Her dimpled grin assures me that she is, in fact, watching me.

Her attention fills me again.  I feel the girl’s warmth envelop me.  I yearn for more.  I start towards her.  Every cell is tingling now.  The girl continues to smile, and has pulled her hand from her mother’s grip.  Her mother is too caught up in mindless chatter to notice.  I kneel down on the sidewalk in front of her.  My knees ache against the cool, rough concrete.  I focus on the warmth from this little girl, this new little soul in front of me.

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Another little bit of fiction that I’ve being writing on & off for a year now.  It came to mind when I read the Trifecta challenge for Week 30 – New.  Thanks for stopping by to read – be sure to go check out all the other writer’s entering this week!

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grasping at straws {Trifecta}

Posted in fiction, fun, gray area, why I blog, tagged , , , , on June 2, 2012 | 10 Comments »

Source: google.com via Mare on Pinterest

It wasn’t the first time.
There it was, pink, glossy tip, dangling from the can.
His pulse quickened as he grabbed it.
Evidence dripping onto her desk,
Into his pants pocket.
Cracking his file drawer;
the others waited.

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This was a fun bit of fiction I came up with for the Trifecta Writing Challenge this week.
Pop on over there an check out all the amazing writers!

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