Posts Tagged ‘blogging’

She stood up a little straighter.  Shoulders back, chin up.  Her right hand instinctively reached up to smooth her flowing chocolate strands flying in the autumn breeze.

Does he remember me?  It’s been so many years.  We were practically children…

Her thoughts wandered through fuzzy memories of adolescent yearnings and confusion.

She looked around.  Children running, tossing balls, in the grassy bowl of the elementary school yard.

Her own children were down there somewhere.  His were too.

When did this happen?  When did we become the grown-ups?  The old people?  When did we become our parents?

Theryn still felt like that fourteen year old girl who was trying so hard to leave her childhood behind.  She had been running away for over twenty years.

As she stood on the sidelines of the children’s games, she pulled out her phone and acted like she was engrossed in reading and tapping out messages.  She couldn’t bring herself to look up again.

Josh watched her from the shaded lenses of his sunglasses, masking his line of sight.  He was certain it was her.  There was no mistaking Theryn, even spending most of their lives apart, that small flutter in his stomach told him without question it was her.

As his stood there amidst the memories of a life past, the fluttering turned into knots, and his conscience reminded him of the stupid, selfish actions of 15 year old boy.

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I’ve been silent here (and really, everywhere) for awhile.  It wasn’t something I did intentionally.  In all honesty, I haven’t put pen to paper for weeks at time over the past several months.  I dove into my life as a wife and mother, hoping to busy myself enough for those worries, fears, and nagging memories of the past to fall away and let me be.  Life doesn’t work that way though, and the more I have squashed away those feelings and memories, the more Life has thrown my way to stir it all up again.  

“Face your Fears head on”, Life has told me in these past months.  So here I am again, hoping to find peace in sharing my words, my life, my art – in other words – My Heart –  on these pages and posts in this little gray garden I’m growing.  

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July is waning…only about one week until August graces us with his golden presence.

When I started this blog back in April, I can honestly say I had no idea where I was going to go with it.  But I just had this pull – this nudging – to do it.  Gray Daisies was something that stayed in my head, directly related to the phrases, “my little garden of truth” and “…because life is not black & white”.

Source: goo.gl on Pinterest

 

I wanted to share my story.  My experiences as a child, young adult, and now a full-fledged grown-up (wife, mother, etc.)  There has always been a part of me that knew my situation was different than most.  Not completely horrific, like some stories you may hear, but still, completely unhealthy and completely dysfunctional.

During these past weeks, I’ve thought about closing up shop here.  Taking some time to sort through my recent realizations and confirmations about my childhood and my relationship (or lack thereof) with my own parents and my mother’s mental illness (Borderline Personality Disorder).

But that doesn’t feel entirely right to me either.  I want to document this journey for myself and hopefully for others out there that may have similar experiences.

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that this blog of mine needs to become a sounding board for the adult children of borderline parents.  Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is something that is very prevalent in our society, yet is hardly ever spoken of, or even diagnosed for that fact!

While I realize that someone suffering from BPD has many issues to confront and overcome, I also know first-hand that someone who was raised by a BPD parent has many of their own issues to confront and overcome as well.

So…welcome to Gray Daisies – a place where I will share my story of being raised by a parent with Borderline Personality Disorder and my journey to overcome and thrive.

Gray Daisies is still my “little garden”.  It won’t always be so serious and depressing here.  I certainly don’t like to wallow in misery – and having a sense of humor is essential for surviving this world of ours!  But this BPD thing has certainly defined my life and who I am (for better or worse!) and it will be a strong theme in my posts.

Enjoy the last days of July!

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I’ll be back here posting in August!

See you then!

 

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I’ve been reading through some of my old, personal journal entries lately.  Partly for my therapy sessions and partly because I like to be reminded where I’ve been from time to time.  This one struck me as pretty important, and I think sharing it with the world (you!) is pretty important too.  Just so you know, this is pretty much verbatim from my journal…I’ve only edited out the mis-spellings and some grammar to help it flow better.

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Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The future is now.  And here I am…8 months later and I’m still avoiding a decision.  Stay or Go?  I’m still in the holding pattern.  Probably the biggest, most in-your-face-reason why I avoid this journal.  Fear.

Fear of making a decision.  Fear of making the wrong decision.  Fear of making the right decision.  I never thought I feared change, but this change is so big and life-altering…the best kind of change out there, really.

Transformation lies ahead of me.  I worry.

I worry if “they” will accept my transformation.  I worry if I will be able to stay a good mother and a good wife.

It (this change) will set me free.  At least that’s what I’ve heard.  You know, from those countless intuitive/soul-searching books?  I am FREE.  Who says I can’t continue to live in abundance?

Source: mr-little.com on Pinterest

Sometimes letting go of things no longer needed is the best way to “have more”.  Be more.

I cleaned out half my clothes in my closet over the course of the past year.  Letting go is so invigorating.  But it is so hard to let go of my paycheck.  I feel silly and stupid and greedy all for the same reason.  I want to be with my babies.  I don’t want my parents to have such a major role in my daily/weekly life.  I don’t want to be stuck in the same dysfunctional parent-child relationship as an adult.  I want to feel like I am important.  I am a mother.  And a damn good one to boot.  My parents don’t really see me for who I am.

I want freedom.  But I fear that freedom I crave will imprison me in other ways.  Financial, and as a result, emotionally with Owen.  He says he supports me.  And I think that he really does.  I think that my fear is skewing my judgement, as fear so readily and easily does.  I want to jump down the rabbit hole.  I want to do so with wild abandonment –> I won’t look back.

Owen wants me to ask about a “leave of absence”.  And – really – it does make logical sense.  But emotionally, it is just a connection to the past.  Will it be a strong enough connection with the past to affect my life?  Hmmm….?  Hard to say, really.  I have learned through writing and reading and many serendipitous encounters that I have the sole key to my own happiness.  And I’m finally “getting it”.  Slowly (and sometimes in big waves and rushes of inspiration) I now SEE ME.  I honestly think I NEED to cut the ties of my job, my career.

All of this stuff that surrounds me…it’s just stuff.  My fear is just the “sad-bad-mad” little pill living inside my head.  It’s followed me from my past.  Sure, nothing’s perfect, but it seems like I have been choosing, searching for ways to wallow in pain and wallow in misery.  Seraching for reasons to feel more pitiful.  What a crock of crap!

I am truly blessed.  And I don’t need to find any missing pieces of my soul/my self in this life.  I AM WHOLE.  I was born WHOLE.  Just like D. and B. are whole, pure little souls.  I have that power within me.  I Am Free To Be Me.  I know that I am with who I need to be with on my journey.  Owen, D. and B.  We will travel this journey together.

Anyhow – I just want to purge – everything around me.  I know it doesn’t sound rational, but it’s just spilling out of me.  I want to be in nature.  The pressures of “having” can be overwhelming.  It takes up precious time and precious energy and precious, precious moments of bliss and love.

I don’t want to be so connected to the chaos of the internet and the TV. It’s addictive – and I feel the yearnings and cravings for my “fix” even while I am outside playing with my babies.  I don’t like it.  It makes me feel black and moldy on the inside.  It’s not real.

I want to feel real, present.  I want to feel invigorated.

I am ready to take the leap.  Right now.

I want to purge & release & change everything.

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It still took me another 6 months to finally cut the cord to my career.  My parents were watching my two kids during the two days each week that I was working, which I knew wasn’t healthy for any of us…but I just couldn’t put my finger on exactly why.  This  was written nearly 4 years ago, and it is amazing to me how much has changed since then.  Perhaps this entry was the catalyst for me to finally listen to my intuition and do what was right for me and my family?  

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Gratitude is the buzz word these days.  Be thankful for all that you have, send positive energy out into the Universe and it will be reciprocated tenfold.

Yes, I believe in Gratitude.

But, first and foremost, I believe in Love.

Source: youngmarriedchic.com on Pinterest

Awhile back, I stumbled upon this blog post about writing a daily love list.

It struck a chord with me, and I’ve been writing love lists in my private journal for weeks now.

-  I love writing.

-  I love sharing my writing.  

Those were the first two things I decided to list the very first time I did the exercise.  At the time, I was feeling silly and self-absorbed for even considering that my blog would be reader-worthy.  But then, I realized, who really cares?  I blog because I feel the need to share these pieces of myself with the world.  

Like so many other writer-types out there, I am an introvert.  So if you were to meet up with me in person, I would likely be quiet and reserved, especially if I didn’t know you very well.  This is my space in the world to share those thoughts and feelings, musings, etc. that I would likely keep bumping into in my mind for years to come, never finding a voice to free them.

This love list thing – I dare you to try it sometime!   Sit down with your journal, or a laptop, or even a napkin – and write a list of 10 things that you love (about yourself, your life, the world around you!).  I guarantee the more you do it, the more you’ll love it!

Love is where we come from and where we are going.

In the wise words of The Beatles’, “Love is all you need.

I believe in Love.

I hope you believe in Love too.

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What do you love most about what makes you, You?  Have you ever made a love list or a gratitude list?  Is love really all you need (besides the basics of food, shelter, etc.)?  

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daisies

 

Connections.

It’s a topic that everyone seems to be interested in, ingrained in the human condition.

Is it possible to ever really, truly connect with someone on an emotional level?

I think we all try to, to some degree or another.

Except – first don’t we need to understand our own emotions before we can begin to explain them, or share them with others?

This is where I am right now.

The realization that I don’t really know what emotion(s) I have.

I’m certainly not emotionless. But I don’t know how to explain them, or how to really share them for that matter! This is likely where I’ve been for most of my life. Between being an introvert by nature, and learning to walk on eggshells to try to keep the peace at home (the nurture part), I have a tendency to stuff everything down into those lint-filled pockets of my inner self.

I realize that I am not unique in this way. Most of us, as children, were taught to suppress our emotions, especially those outwardly messy ones like fear and even pain.

When someone asks, “How are you?” Do you respond truthfully?

Are you really, “Fine, thanks.” ?

Does anyone really want to know how truly miserable (or even truly elated) you are really feeling?

Most of us, myself included, find security in the “Fine.” It’s the gray area of ordinariness that we find ourselves in on a daily basis.

Being “fine” is the benchmark of our existence.

I even catch myself telling my own children, “You’re fine.”, when they are clearly not fine.

I wish I had some tidy way to tie up these thoughts…

We all walk the line of “fine” every single day. We wrap ourselves up in that cozy blanket of “fine” and we go about our lives wondering how to truly feel connected to any of it.

Is it the “just fine” that keeps us separate?

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How important are emotional connections to you? Do you feel like you are successful in making them? Or do you tend to tell everyone you are “just fine”, even when you are not? Are we wrong in telling are children that they are “just fine” too? Do the social networks help us to connect…or are we just finding our digital “just fine”?

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Source: google.com via Mare on Pinterest

It wasn’t the first time.
There it was, pink, glossy tip, dangling from the can.
His pulse quickened as he grabbed it.
Evidence dripping onto her desk,
Into his pants pocket.
Cracking his file drawer;
the others waited.

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This was a fun bit of fiction I came up with for the Trifecta Writing Challenge this week.
Pop on over there an check out all the amazing writers!

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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

I’ve been living with an inferiority complex for over three decades. I have been consciously aware of this since I was about 12.

To remedy it, I have tried to be more and do more, and basically just be perfect.

All. The. Time.

I’ve always thought it was me, that I was my toughest critic.
That I was just born so serious and so anxious and so un-fun-loving.

Then I told my therapist this story. Which made her sit up a little straighter, scribble notes down, and ask more questions about my relationship with my parents.

We all have broken bits and pieces from our childhood. But what happens when you find out your own childhood was toxic, laced with mental illness, damaging you in so many ways?

I am 36 years old, a wife and a mother to three, and I am still terrified of my parents.

And now I finally know the truth.

Borderline Personality Disorder.

My mother has “high-functioning, invisible” Borderline Personality Disorder.  And my dad, well, he’s all shades of co-dependent and enabling.

I’ve spent a lifetime walking on eggshells around them, trying to keep them happy, trying to keep the unpredictable fits of rage at bay.  But nothing was ever good enough.

It’s no wonder I have issues with anxiety.

While they will likely never seek help, and will continue to blame those closest to them for all that is wrong (both real and imagined), I am determined to heal from my lifetime of shame, guilt and chaos.

Suddenly, my world makes so much more sense. It doesn’t excuse anything that has happened. I will never be able to have my parents in my life – I will protect my children from that toxic world to no end. But, being able to label their dysfunction (because I’ve suspected it since I was 18) has been incredibly validating for me.

I can finally step back and say, “I am not the horrible person they think I am, I am OK.

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I am forever grateful for Aidan Donnelly Rowley’s post. While my life experiences may be completely different than her own – reading her words opened up a door in my soul that I had bolted shut so many years ago. Her post, her words, sharing her own personal journey, helped me take my first steps of healing.

Thank you, Aidan, so very much.

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At the tender age of seven, I took it upon myself to write my very first book.  I illustrated it, and covered it with construction paper, printing out the title and all three of my names (yes, even back then!).  I still have it.  And, lately I’ve considered framing it in a shadow box to hang up as a reminder of who am I.

I am a writer.  Words bubble up from my soul.  I watch, observe and imagine more than most people (except for my fellow writer’s).  Stories appear everywhere, characters playing through my mind, introducing themselves, asking to be tucked away to wait for their stories to unfold.

I wrote and read my way through high school.  And one would think that someone like me would have been a Literature major, but no.  I went to a very competitive engineering and science school.  Mostly because my friends and family questioned what I would do with a Literature major, besides teach (which I knew I didn’t want to do).

In college, I wrote technical papers aplenty and found a niche that continued into my career.  Technical people typically do not write well.  So between my natural ability with words and my desire to actually sit down and document technical processes, well, I was in high demand.

Then, about seven or eight years ago, I started feeling out of sorts.  A book called “The Artist’s Way“, by Julia Cameron, came into my life in a round about way.  That book reacquainted me with my creative self.  And, over time, my life began to change in small and sometimes dramatic ways.

There was a particular poem that Julia Cameron wrote that I printed out and hung in my office.  Only a handful of coworkers actually took the time to read it, and out of those people, only one person commented.  He asked if I had written it.  I chuckled something like “I wish”.  He looked me straight in the eyes and told me, “Stop wishing that you were a writer, and just start writing.”

That comment sparked a conversation that lasted over an hour.  This man, a co-worker that I had only spoken to briefly here and there about work, became my messenger, my guide.  What he said to me was so off-the-cuff and honest, it pierced right through my daily-life filters and sunk in, deep.  Here I am, many years later, still feeling the spot in my soul where his words landed.

I don’t know where I’m headed in this journey of words –  my words, my stories, my truth.  I’m not sure I am supposed to know where I’m going (are any of us?!).  So I will continue to write and read and follow along this winding path of words.

I would like to share the poem that started this journey for me – it so perfectly puts into words what I feel about being a writer.

Words For It, by Julia Cameron

I wish I could take language
And fold it like cool, moist rags.
I would lay words on your forehead.
I would wrap words on your wrists.
“There, there,” my words would say –
Or something better.
I would ask them to murmur,
“Hush” and “Shh, shhh, it’s all right.”
I would ask them to hold you all night.
I wish I could take language
And daub and soothe and cool
Where fever blisters and burns,
Where fever turns yourself and you.
I wish I could take language
And heal the words that were the wounds
You have no names for.

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Have you ever had one of those “a-ha” moments?  Doesn’t this poem just speak volumes about what it is to be a writer?  Do you have a favorite poem, or book, or piece of art that serves as your inspiration?   Did you major in Literature in college?  When did you write your first book (as a child, teen?)

s_a_a

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The neighbor’s across the street are moving next weekend, and the house will be rented again to a new family.

I’ve been watching them through our living room window for the past few weeks as they’ve sorted and packed and piled the boxes filled with what makes their house a home – their home – into the garage.

cinderblock

Three years ago,  I was newly inaugurated into this world of the stay-at-home-mom, as I watched that family, and their next-door neighbors move in to the houses across the street from us in a matter of a few weeks. (yes, we have 3 rental houses across the street from our house!)   In the past 5 years that we’ve lived here, we’ve known seven different families whom have lived in those 3 houses.  So far, so good. I hate to sound judgmental, because I know we’ve all been in that rental boat at some point in time…but you never know if the next family is gonna be the one that shakes up the energy on the block (in a bad way, of course – we can always use a little good energy shake up, right?!).  To be honest, I don’t know if we would have purchased this house knowing about the rentals.

Now it’s time for this family to move on to their new beginnings.  And our quiet little street will be busied with movers and moving vans.

Please, please, please let it be a younger family – kinda like mine – maybe even with a bona fide stay-at-home-mom!

I haven’t known a SAHM in real life (plenty via the internet!) since officially joining their ranks.  And I think it might be nice to have someone to connect with, and maybe even become friends with…a grown-up BFF perhaps?!  Yeah, I won’t hold my breathe.  But I will keep my fingers crossed, and my heart open.

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This is my first time linking up to Heather of the EO and her Just Write series.  Click on over, and check out her amazing words and many, many others that are joining in!  

s_a_a

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