Posted in beginnings, borderline personality disorder, family, gray area, memoir, self-discovery, tainted childhood, tagged being vulnerable, borderline personality disorder, dysfunctional family, emotions, freedom, growing, inner child, parenting, symbolism, therapy, thinking, truth, writing on February 27, 2013 | Leave a Comment »
A wish list from my inner child:
hugs and i love you’s – everyday – heck, multiple times a day even!
books read to me – I don’t ever remember either parent ever reading to me, ever.
a healthy diet – I grew up on processed, refined and pre-packaged junk food – ugh!
cuddle time – like at bedtime or just while watching tv – I hated feeling so alone and disconnected all the time.
Posted in memoir, photography, self-discovery, tagged being vulnerable, borderline personality disorder, connections, emotions, expectations, fear, freedom, gray area, happiness, intuition, joy, just be, memoir, motherhood, near death, ordinary life, postpartum, self-discovery, symbolism, therapy, thinking, truth, writing on June 29, 2012 | 2 Comments »
{taken early morning, August 26, 2010, from my living room window}
It seems like only yesterday I was sitting in this living room, thinking how my life was feeling more and more like that movie Groundhog Day. I was waiting for E .(nearly 2 weeks overdue) to arrive and part of me was completely terrified for his arrival because deep-down I knew that somehow, someway, giving birth to him was going to be a monumental pivot point in my life – my family’s life. And not in the typical-new-baby-fashion.
{my big E. belly! also on August 26, 2010}
Sometimes things just feel indescribably more important than what you think they should feel like.
I felt that it was the one event in my life that would suddenly click into place and “poof”, my Groundhog Day would end and a new course would begin.
(Boy, did it ever! A near-death experience, traumatic post-partum issues, discovering the whole BPD thing)
I’m so very grateful for my wonderfully simple yet utterly profound life. My husband. My kids. My house. My dog. Even my car. My entire life – in general – in its entirety – from the miniscule to the extraordinary.
I feel like a warrior now – a weary one at times – but still a warrior.
I have returned home from my battles to heal, inside and out. There will be scars.
There are scars, inside and out.
I will continue to heal, knowing with confidence that I am stronger than I could ever have imagined.
My sword, my shield, hanging proudly above my heart’s mantle. A reminder to myself and a warning to any threatening forces.
–> I am a warrior <–
Posted in family, memoir, self-discovery, why I blog, tagged anti-transformation, anxiety, being vulnerable, blogging, borderline personality disorder, connections, dysfunctional family, emotions, fear, freedom, gray area, inner demons, intuition, just be, just write, memoir, motherhood, ordinary life, self-discovery, struggling, therapy, thinking, truth, writing on June 27, 2012 | Leave a Comment »
I’ve been reading through some of my old, personal journal entries lately. Partly for my therapy sessions and partly because I like to be reminded where I’ve been from time to time. This one struck me as pretty important, and I think sharing it with the world (you!) is pretty important too. Just so you know, this is pretty much verbatim from my journal…I’ve only edited out the mis-spellings and some grammar to help it flow better.
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Wednesday, August 27, 2008
The future is now. And here I am…8 months later and I’m still avoiding a decision. Stay or Go? I’m still in the holding pattern. Probably the biggest, most in-your-face-reason why I avoid this journal. Fear.
Fear of making a decision. Fear of making the wrong decision. Fear of making the right decision. I never thought I feared change, but this change is so big and life-altering…the best kind of change out there, really.
Transformation lies ahead of me. I worry.
I worry if “they” will accept my transformation. I worry if I will be able to stay a good mother and a good wife.
It (this change) will set me free. At least that’s what I’ve heard. You know, from those countless intuitive/soul-searching books? I am FREE. Who says I can’t continue to live in abundance?
Source: mr-little.com on Pinterest
Sometimes letting go of things no longer needed is the best way to “have more”. Be more.
I cleaned out half my clothes in my closet over the course of the past year. Letting go is so invigorating. But it is so hard to let go of my paycheck. I feel silly and stupid and greedy all for the same reason. I want to be with my babies. I don’t want my parents to have such a major role in my daily/weekly life. I don’t want to be stuck in the same dysfunctional parent-child relationship as an adult. I want to feel like I am important. I am a mother. And a damn good one to boot. My parents don’t really see me for who I am.
I want freedom. But I fear that freedom I crave will imprison me in other ways. Financial, and as a result, emotionally with Owen. He says he supports me. And I think that he really does. I think that my fear is skewing my judgement, as fear so readily and easily does. I want to jump down the rabbit hole. I want to do so with wild abandonment –> I won’t look back.
Owen wants me to ask about a “leave of absence”. And – really – it does make logical sense. But emotionally, it is just a connection to the past. Will it be a strong enough connection with the past to affect my life? Hmmm….? Hard to say, really. I have learned through writing and reading and many serendipitous encounters that I have the sole key to my own happiness. And I’m finally “getting it”. Slowly (and sometimes in big waves and rushes of inspiration) I now SEE ME. I honestly think I NEED to cut the ties of my job, my career.
All of this stuff that surrounds me…it’s just stuff. My fear is just the “sad-bad-mad” little pill living inside my head. It’s followed me from my past. Sure, nothing’s perfect, but it seems like I have been choosing, searching for ways to wallow in pain and wallow in misery. Seraching for reasons to feel more pitiful. What a crock of crap!
I am truly blessed. And I don’t need to find any missing pieces of my soul/my self in this life. I AM WHOLE. I was born WHOLE. Just like D. and B. are whole, pure little souls. I have that power within me. I Am Free To Be Me. I know that I am with who I need to be with on my journey. Owen, D. and B. We will travel this journey together.
Anyhow – I just want to purge – everything around me. I know it doesn’t sound rational, but it’s just spilling out of me. I want to be in nature. The pressures of “having” can be overwhelming. It takes up precious time and precious energy and precious, precious moments of bliss and love.
I don’t want to be so connected to the chaos of the internet and the TV. It’s addictive – and I feel the yearnings and cravings for my “fix” even while I am outside playing with my babies. I don’t like it. It makes me feel black and moldy on the inside. It’s not real.
I want to feel real, present. I want to feel invigorated.
I am ready to take the leap. Right now.
I want to purge & release & change everything.
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It still took me another 6 months to finally cut the cord to my career. My parents were watching my two kids during the two days each week that I was working, which I knew wasn’t healthy for any of us…but I just couldn’t put my finger on exactly why. This was written nearly 4 years ago, and it is amazing to me how much has changed since then. Perhaps this entry was the catalyst for me to finally listen to my intuition and do what was right for me and my family?
Posted in gray area, why I blog, tagged artist, being vulnerable, blogging, connections, emotions, freedom, gratitude, growing, happiness, inner child, introvert, joy, just be, love, making lists, ordinary life, self-discovery, therapy, thinking, truth, writing on June 26, 2012 | 2 Comments »
Gratitude is the buzz word these days. Be thankful for all that you have, send positive energy out into the Universe and it will be reciprocated tenfold.
Yes, I believe in Gratitude.
But, first and foremost, I believe in Love.
Source: youngmarriedchic.com on Pinterest
Awhile back, I stumbled upon this blog post about writing a daily love list.
It struck a chord with me, and I’ve been writing love lists in my private journal for weeks now.
- I love writing.
- I love sharing my writing.
Those were the first two things I decided to list the very first time I did the exercise. At the time, I was feeling silly and self-absorbed for even considering that my blog would be reader-worthy. But then, I realized, who really cares? I blog because I feel the need to share these pieces of myself with the world.
Like so many other writer-types out there, I am an introvert. So if you were to meet up with me in person, I would likely be quiet and reserved, especially if I didn’t know you very well. This is my space in the world to share those thoughts and feelings, musings, etc. that I would likely keep bumping into in my mind for years to come, never finding a voice to free them.
This love list thing – I dare you to try it sometime! Sit down with your journal, or a laptop, or even a napkin – and write a list of 10 things that you love (about yourself, your life, the world around you!). I guarantee the more you do it, the more you’ll love it!
Love is where we come from and where we are going.
In the wise words of The Beatles’, “Love is all you need.“
I believe in Love.
I hope you believe in Love too.
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What do you love most about what makes you, You? Have you ever made a love list or a gratitude list? Is love really all you need (besides the basics of food, shelter, etc.)?
Posted in beginnings, family, memoir, self-discovery, tagged anger, being vulnerable, borderline personality disorder, dysfunctional family, emotions, freedom, growing, inner child, inner demons, memoir, self-discovery, struggling, therapy, truth, writing on June 13, 2012 | Leave a Comment »
It is one of the turning points in therapy when the patient comes to the emotional insight that all the love she has captured with so much effort and self-denial was not meant for her as she really was, that the admiration for her beauty and achievements was aimed at this beauty and these achievements and not at the child herself. In therapy, the small and lonely child that is hidden behind her achievements wakes up and asks: “What would have happened if I had appeared before you sad, needy, angry, furious? Where would your love have been then? And I was all these things well. Does this mean that it was not really me you loved, but only what I pretended to be? The well-behaved, reliable, empathic, understanding, and convenient child, who in fact was never a child at all? What became of my childhood? Have I not been cheated out of it? I can never return to it. I can never make up for it.” (Drama of the Gifted Child, Alice Miller, 1996, p.39)
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I am that child – all grown up.
Source: tumblr.com via Pinterest
I am grieving.
In my own rebellious way right now.
I don’t want to cry for that little girl that never felt good enough.
That just wanted so desperately to make her mom and dad happy or proud – that sweet, little, innocent girl that felt she had to earn their unconditional love.
Fuck them!
Nope, she did not deserve any of that!
I didn’t deserve any of that!
Right now, I just want to…
Set. Her. Free.
Go crazy sweet baby girl!
Do whatever your little heart desires.
Make a mess!
(And make mistakes…it’s OK, I promise.)
Color outside the lines – backwards and sideways while your at it!
Let your heart soar — let it fly away!
You are free.
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If you’re new here, let me explain some stuff. I started therapy awhile back because I thought I was living with too much anxiety. I had some life-changing experiences and thought the trauma was still affecting my life. However, I have learned that my mother suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and that my father is co-dependant and enabling of the situation, the illness. Anyways…this is where I am at right now. Angry and sad all at once. But, I also feel like a huge weight is lifting from my life. Thanks for stopping by to read! ~ S.A.A.
Posted in family, fun, memoir, summer, why I blog, tagged freedom, growing, happiness, inner child, joy, just be, just write, memoir, motherhood, ordinary life, parenting, Summer, writing, Zen on June 12, 2012 | 2 Comments »
Zen – (n) 1. contemplation of one’s essential nature to the exclusion of all else is the only way of achieving pure enlightenment
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I am settling into summer’s essence. Sunshine warming my skin, vibrant blue skies above, and the hum of life all around me.
We walked down to the school-park again this morning. It’s quiet and I love watching E. wander around picking dandelions.
My eyes, my ears…my senses are so much more alive right now than I ever remember them being before. I watched my little people running and playing and rolling down the grassy hills. I thought about joining in, I really did.
And maybe I should have.
Except that it felt so inexplicably perfect to sit on the steps and watch them be them.
They are happy. They are content. And they are so full of love.
I lost myself in the moment, just floating above it all while a true and deep sense of calm radiated itself through my body.
I don’t really have words for it. Just Be comes to mind, yet it was so much more and so much less – in the true nature of Zen.
I do know this…it was good.
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Have you ever found yourself truly in the moment? Does time ever stand still, only for you to realize it after the fact? I’m not talking “sci-fi” here, I’m talking real life. Have you found that place where you are safe to lose yourself? For me, my kids take me there all the time – and so does my free-writing/journaling…sometimes even when I’m sewing I feel myself floating away. What about you?
Posted in beginnings, family, memoir, self-discovery, tagged anxiety, being vulnerable, blogging, borderline personality disorder, connections, dysfunctional family, emotions, escapism, fear, freedom, gray area, healing, motherhood, self-discovery, struggling, therapy, truth on June 1, 2012 | 3 Comments »
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ~Eleanor Roosevelt
I’ve been living with an inferiority complex for over three decades. I have been consciously aware of this since I was about 12.
To remedy it, I have tried to be more and do more, and basically just be perfect.
All. The. Time.
I’ve always thought it was me, that I was my toughest critic.
That I was just born so serious and so anxious and so un-fun-loving.
Then I told my therapist this story. Which made her sit up a little straighter, scribble notes down, and ask more questions about my relationship with my parents.
We all have broken bits and pieces from our childhood. But what happens when you find out your own childhood was toxic, laced with mental illness, damaging you in so many ways?
I am 36 years old, a wife and a mother to three, and I am still terrified of my parents.
And now I finally know the truth.
Borderline Personality Disorder.
My mother has “high-functioning, invisible” Borderline Personality Disorder. And my dad, well, he’s all shades of co-dependent and enabling.
I’ve spent a lifetime walking on eggshells around them, trying to keep them happy, trying to keep the unpredictable fits of rage at bay. But nothing was ever good enough.
It’s no wonder I have issues with anxiety.
While they will likely never seek help, and will continue to blame those closest to them for all that is wrong (both real and imagined), I am determined to heal from my lifetime of shame, guilt and chaos.
Suddenly, my world makes so much more sense. It doesn’t excuse anything that has happened. I will never be able to have my parents in my life – I will protect my children from that toxic world to no end. But, being able to label their dysfunction (because I’ve suspected it since I was 18) has been incredibly validating for me.
I can finally step back and say, “I am not the horrible person they think I am, I am OK.“
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I am forever grateful for Aidan Donnelly Rowley’s post. While my life experiences may be completely different than her own – reading her words opened up a door in my soul that I had bolted shut so many years ago. Her post, her words, sharing her own personal journey, helped me take my first steps of healing.
Thank you, Aidan, so very much.
Posted in gray area, self-discovery, tagged being vulnerable, connections, emotions, fear, freedom, gray area, growing, just be, just write, poetry on May 30, 2012 | 1 Comment »
I don’t have the answers.
And I’m learning that -maybe- that is OK.
My planning ways have loosened their grip on me; my life.
Instead, I daydream
about what may come.
It’s fuzzy, and gray…
and I don’t really know where I am going.
It’s scary to feel a bit lazy and a lot out of control. But I am learning that
-maybe-
That is OK.
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I’m linking up to Heather of the EO and her Just Write series. Click on over, and check out her amazing words and many, many others that are joining in!
Posted in beginnings, self-discovery, tagged being vulnerable, connections, emotions, escapism, Facebook, freedom, God, gray area, growing, information overload, Instagram, intuition, just be, near death, self-discovery, social media, spirituality, the source, the universe, truth, Twitter on May 4, 2012 | 1 Comment »
Something inside of me has started to stir.
The past couple years have been the most challenging ones I’ve known (let’s save those details for another post, K?) and I’m not the same me anymore.
I have changed in ways I don’t quite understand.
I am not sure of the reflection I see in the mirror anymore. I stand there, in front of it every morning, putting my contacts in, brushing my teeth, going through makeup and hair routines…and the inside me doesn’t feel like she knows this outside me at all.
I’ve always had a strong sense of self, even as a teenager. So this unsettled uncertainty is really quite foreign to me.
For several months, I’ve been altering my outsides. I think I’ve changed my hair color or hair style 7 times in the past 7 months!
I don’t know who I am anymore – and I think by changing my hair (something I’ve always thought was fun) I was trying to see if I found a reflection that felt right.
Of course, none of the external changes really changed anything I felt on the inside. But, it did serve as a good distraction. A hobby, or more accurately, a means of escape.
The physical pain I endured (now, almost 2 years ago) forced me to focus my energies inward. While I was always somewhat aware of my inner self (intuition, inner voice, etc.) I -like so many others out there- usually focused on finding a solution from the outside world.
I have come to believe that in times of unfathomable physical duress, survival depends on one’s ability to separate oneself from their physical being. That I am not comprised solely of this vulnerable, fleshy bag of water that is the human body, well, that realization – that separation saved my life and my unborn child’s life too.
This “awakening”, if you will, isn’t bad and it’s not necessarily a good thing either. It’s just different. And it takes a lot of adjustment. My perspective is dramatically different, my priorities have shifted.
I notice Life all the time, and I actually feel the Life that surrounds me.
It may sound weird or strange, but I cringe and get a tad bit queasy when I see the neighbor boy stomping defiantly on the anthill in his backyard.
It hurts me and it hurts my soul.
While everyone else around me connects via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc., I am connected to The Source. The Universe. God. {or whatever it is you believe that Life stems from}
And just as many people feel like they have information overload from being connected through the plethora of social media, I feel that overload from Everything.
Is it possible to feel too much? I don’t know.
I really don’t know.
What I do know is that every single person in this big, wide world is connected, just as I am. For some reason or another, my little “switch” got activated or possibly another “switch” got deactivated during my fight for survival. And now, I am aware of my connection to this world – to Life.
And it’s weird. It’s really, really amazing.
But it’s weird. And I wish that I had the words to describe it.
To share it.
Because it’s really quite the experience.
And I’m pretty sure that if more people felt this “essence of Life” that it would truly, undoubtedly change “Life As We Know It.”
