Something inside of me has started to stir.
The past couple years have been the most challenging ones I’ve known (let’s save those details for another post, K?) and I’m not the same me anymore.
I have changed in ways I don’t quite understand.
I am not sure of the reflection I see in the mirror anymore. I stand there, in front of it every morning, putting my contacts in, brushing my teeth, going through makeup and hair routines…and the inside me doesn’t feel like she knows this outside me at all.
I’ve always had a strong sense of self, even as a teenager. So this unsettled uncertainty is really quite foreign to me.
For several months, I’ve been altering my outsides. I think I’ve changed my hair color or hair style 7 times in the past 7 months!
I don’t know who I am anymore – and I think by changing my hair (something I’ve always thought was fun) I was trying to see if I found a reflection that felt right.
Of course, none of the external changes really changed anything I felt on the inside. But, it did serve as a good distraction. A hobby, or more accurately, a means of escape.
The physical pain I endured (now, almost 2 years ago) forced me to focus my energies inward. While I was always somewhat aware of my inner self (intuition, inner voice, etc.) I -like so many others out there- usually focused on finding a solution from the outside world.
I have come to believe that in times of unfathomable physical duress, survival depends on one’s ability to separate oneself from their physical being. That I am not comprised solely of this vulnerable, fleshy bag of water that is the human body, well, that realization – that separation saved my life and my unborn child’s life too.
This “awakening”, if you will, isn’t bad and it’s not necessarily a good thing either. It’s just different. And it takes a lot of adjustment. My perspective is dramatically different, my priorities have shifted.
I notice Life all the time, and I actually feel the Life that surrounds me.
It may sound weird or strange, but I cringe and get a tad bit queasy when I see the neighbor boy stomping defiantly on the anthill in his backyard.
It hurts me and it hurts my soul.
While everyone else around me connects via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc., I am connected to The Source. The Universe. God. {or whatever it is you believe that Life stems from}
And just as many people feel like they have information overload from being connected through the plethora of social media, I feel that overload from Everything.
Is it possible to feel too much? I don’t know.
I really don’t know.
What I do know is that every single person in this big, wide world is connected, just as I am. For some reason or another, my little “switch” got activated or possibly another “switch” got deactivated during my fight for survival. And now, I am aware of my connection to this world – to Life.
And it’s weird. It’s really, really amazing.
But it’s weird. And I wish that I had the words to describe it.
To share it.
Because it’s really quite the experience.
And I’m pretty sure that if more people felt this “essence of Life” that it would truly, undoubtedly change “Life As We Know It.”
