Posts Tagged ‘joy’

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{taken early morning, August 26, 2010, from my living room window}

It seems like only yesterday I was sitting in this living room, thinking how my life was feeling more and more like that movie Groundhog Day.  I was waiting for E .(nearly 2 weeks overdue) to arrive and part of me was completely terrified for his arrival because deep-down I knew that somehow, someway, giving birth to him was going to be a monumental pivot point in my life – my family’s life.  And not in the typical-new-baby-fashion.

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{my big E. belly! also on August 26, 2010}

Sometimes things just feel indescribably more important than what you think they should feel like.

I felt that it was the one event in my life that would suddenly click into place and “poof”, my Groundhog Day would end and a new course would begin.

(Boy, did it ever!  A near-death experience, traumatic post-partum issues, discovering the whole BPD thing)

I’m so very grateful for my wonderfully simple yet utterly profound life.  My husband.  My kids.  My house.  My dog.  Even my car.  My entire life – in general – in its entirety – from the miniscule to the extraordinary.

I feel like a warrior now – a weary one at times – but still a warrior.

I have returned home from my battles to heal, inside and out.  There will be scars.

There are scars, inside and out.

I will continue to heal, knowing with confidence that I am stronger than I could ever have imagined.

My sword, my shield, hanging proudly above my heart’s mantle.  A reminder to myself and a warning to any threatening forces.

–> I am a warrior <–

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Gratitude is the buzz word these days.  Be thankful for all that you have, send positive energy out into the Universe and it will be reciprocated tenfold.

Yes, I believe in Gratitude.

But, first and foremost, I believe in Love.

Source: youngmarriedchic.com on Pinterest

Awhile back, I stumbled upon this blog post about writing a daily love list.

It struck a chord with me, and I’ve been writing love lists in my private journal for weeks now.

-  I love writing.

-  I love sharing my writing.  

Those were the first two things I decided to list the very first time I did the exercise.  At the time, I was feeling silly and self-absorbed for even considering that my blog would be reader-worthy.  But then, I realized, who really cares?  I blog because I feel the need to share these pieces of myself with the world.  

Like so many other writer-types out there, I am an introvert.  So if you were to meet up with me in person, I would likely be quiet and reserved, especially if I didn’t know you very well.  This is my space in the world to share those thoughts and feelings, musings, etc. that I would likely keep bumping into in my mind for years to come, never finding a voice to free them.

This love list thing – I dare you to try it sometime!   Sit down with your journal, or a laptop, or even a napkin – and write a list of 10 things that you love (about yourself, your life, the world around you!).  I guarantee the more you do it, the more you’ll love it!

Love is where we come from and where we are going.

In the wise words of The Beatles’, “Love is all you need.

I believe in Love.

I hope you believe in Love too.

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What do you love most about what makes you, You?  Have you ever made a love list or a gratitude list?  Is love really all you need (besides the basics of food, shelter, etc.)?  

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We planted our garden about 10 days ago.  B. and E. had fun playing in the dirt.  D., well, he lost interest after the first couple plants…not what I expected, considering he was the most excited about making a garden this year!  Six year olds – go figure!

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We have three of these little circles, each with similar veggies growing. One for each of the kiddos.

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They are probably a bit undersized for the plants, but we’ll just see how it all grows this year. So far there have been two hail storms that threatened to rip these little guys to shreds…thankfully, the hail stayed about pea-sized and little damage was done!

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I am looking forward to watching these gardens grow, watching my kiddos learn to take care of them, and learning about growing my family’s food – something I’ve always been curious about, but never tried.

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These three little gardens are going to be one of our summertime adventures this year! Here’s to long sunshine-y days!

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Zen – (n) 1. contemplation of one’s essential nature to the exclusion of all else is the only way of achieving pure enlightenment

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I am settling into summer’s essence. Sunshine warming my skin, vibrant blue skies above, and the hum of life all around me.

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We walked down to the school-park again this morning. It’s quiet and I love watching E. wander around picking dandelions.

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My eyes, my ears…my senses are so much more alive right now than I ever remember them being before. I watched my little people running and playing and rolling down the grassy hills. I thought about joining in, I really did.

And maybe I should have.

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Except that it felt so inexplicably perfect to sit on the steps and watch them be them.

They are happy. They are content. And they are so full of love.

I lost myself in the moment, just floating above it all while a true and deep sense of calm radiated itself through my body.

I don’t really have words for it. Just Be comes to mind, yet it was so much more and so much less – in the true nature of Zen.

I do know this…it was good.

{just write}

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Have you ever found yourself truly in the moment? Does time ever stand still, only for you to realize it after the fact? I’m not talking “sci-fi” here, I’m talking real life. Have you found that place where you are safe to lose yourself? For me, my kids take me there all the time – and so does my free-writing/journaling…sometimes even when I’m sewing I feel myself floating away. What about you?

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The morning was filled with garden stores and lunch away from home – me, D., B. and E. Usually it’s a bit stressful, considering I am grossly outnumbered (not to mention they are 6, 4 and 1!)! But today, it wasn’t too bad. Dare I say, it was even enjoyable! (who is this person, and where did she come from?! – I hope she’s planning to stay awhile!)

Our seedlings didn’t fare too well when we transplanted them. Our backyard gets hot-hot, and well, I should’ve used some of our beach umbrellas for a little direct-sun protection for the first few days. Oh well! I’m learning the hard way! So instead of looking at a sad and empty garden bed all summer long, we decided to purchase some nursery grown veggies.

Our evening will be filled with dirty little fingers and toes, planting our new little friends. And I will likely dig out the beach umbrellas for added protection from the sun in the days to come! I am determined to grow this garden!

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I am so honored to be the winner of this weekend’s Trifecta challenge…what a happy surprise for Monday!
Thanks to all those who have stopped by to read and to those who have taken the time to comment too! I love it! XOXO

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At the tender age of seven, I took it upon myself to write my very first book.  I illustrated it, and covered it with construction paper, printing out the title and all three of my names (yes, even back then!).  I still have it.  And, lately I’ve considered framing it in a shadow box to hang up as a reminder of who am I.

I am a writer.  Words bubble up from my soul.  I watch, observe and imagine more than most people (except for my fellow writer’s).  Stories appear everywhere, characters playing through my mind, introducing themselves, asking to be tucked away to wait for their stories to unfold.

I wrote and read my way through high school.  And one would think that someone like me would have been a Literature major, but no.  I went to a very competitive engineering and science school.  Mostly because my friends and family questioned what I would do with a Literature major, besides teach (which I knew I didn’t want to do).

In college, I wrote technical papers aplenty and found a niche that continued into my career.  Technical people typically do not write well.  So between my natural ability with words and my desire to actually sit down and document technical processes, well, I was in high demand.

Then, about seven or eight years ago, I started feeling out of sorts.  A book called “The Artist’s Way“, by Julia Cameron, came into my life in a round about way.  That book reacquainted me with my creative self.  And, over time, my life began to change in small and sometimes dramatic ways.

There was a particular poem that Julia Cameron wrote that I printed out and hung in my office.  Only a handful of coworkers actually took the time to read it, and out of those people, only one person commented.  He asked if I had written it.  I chuckled something like “I wish”.  He looked me straight in the eyes and told me, “Stop wishing that you were a writer, and just start writing.”

That comment sparked a conversation that lasted over an hour.  This man, a co-worker that I had only spoken to briefly here and there about work, became my messenger, my guide.  What he said to me was so off-the-cuff and honest, it pierced right through my daily-life filters and sunk in, deep.  Here I am, many years later, still feeling the spot in my soul where his words landed.

I don’t know where I’m headed in this journey of words –  my words, my stories, my truth.  I’m not sure I am supposed to know where I’m going (are any of us?!).  So I will continue to write and read and follow along this winding path of words.

I would like to share the poem that started this journey for me – it so perfectly puts into words what I feel about being a writer.

Words For It, by Julia Cameron

I wish I could take language
And fold it like cool, moist rags.
I would lay words on your forehead.
I would wrap words on your wrists.
“There, there,” my words would say –
Or something better.
I would ask them to murmur,
“Hush” and “Shh, shhh, it’s all right.”
I would ask them to hold you all night.
I wish I could take language
And daub and soothe and cool
Where fever blisters and burns,
Where fever turns yourself and you.
I wish I could take language
And heal the words that were the wounds
You have no names for.

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Have you ever had one of those “a-ha” moments?  Doesn’t this poem just speak volumes about what it is to be a writer?  Do you have a favorite poem, or book, or piece of art that serves as your inspiration?   Did you major in Literature in college?  When did you write your first book (as a child, teen?)

s_a_a

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The sun is 4th of July hot.  E. is picking up ants – “an, an” he says as he shows me the tiny black bugs crawling over his palm.  ”Put the ants on the ground, Baby.  Be nice to the ants.” We don’t hurt bugs at our house. He wanders over to his water table, and starts to sip water from his shovel, “num, num”.

The thrum of bass and pop-y vocals rises up over the low hum of distant cars, the chirping birds and the breeze whispering through the tall Ponderosas.

The neighbor boy busies himself, cleaning up his parent’s patio, his Life’s soundtrack making the work just a bit more like play.  There’s a party in his honor this weekend, he’s graduating from the same high school I did 18 years ago.

How funny time is.  18 years ago, I was 18 years old.  Listening to the soundtrack of my Life…Pearl Jam, Nirvana, The Cranberries.  Those are oldies in his book.  And my brand new, 1994, Red Hyundai Excel (the car I learned to drive stick with), is surely in a junk yard by now.

I  look over at E., still sipping and splashing away, and I can’t help but feel a little pull of sadness and nostalgia.  The first 18 years of my life, well, they couldn’t happen fast enough.  The second 18 years slipped by with so much busyness and change, and I fear that my third set of 18 years will do the same.

“The days are long, but the years are short.”  

Those words are so very true.

They have become my mantra, in a sense.  And I find myself getting up out of my lounge chair and sitting down beside E. to splash and be splashed.

 I blink back the tearsbittersweet.

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I’m linking up to Heather of the EO and her Just Write series.  Click on over, and check out her amazing words and many, many others that are joining in!  

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I should be changing sheets right now, folding and sorting laundry – should be this- should be that – should be… whatever!

I get so caught up in the should be’s sometimes, my mind spins, whirling around the list that I scrawl on my kitchen whiteboard each and every morning.  I started making daily lists in attempt to clear my mind…instead, I seem to become a slave to the list.

Most days, I relish in the fact of my self-proclaimed extraordinary organizational abilities. “I’ve got my shit together, so bring it on, Life!”

But there are moments, even days and weeks on end, when I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say “Who Cares?!!”.  I do know, deep down, that life’s beauty does not lie within a bed made of crisp, fresh linens, or even a sparkling, freshly disinfected kitchen sink…but, you’ve got to admit, those things are so nice.  They make me feel like the world is just a tiny bit less crazy.

I’m in one of those “who cares” moods these days.  I blame it on the cold that Owen and I have been struggling against for a couple weeks now.  Plus, Baby Boy, E., came down with a fever last week which was actually Roseola (go figure!).  My energy is low and my attention to detail, well, it’s gone.  And so is that sparkling kitchen sink!

Summer is creeping up, and Big Boy, D., he’s finishing up Kindergarten next week (and it still hasn’t sunk in yet, for me or for him!).  Of course, when I’m not being enslaved by my list, I seem to do a lot more thinking…probably a very good thing.

In the middle of the night, rocking my poor, sick E., I realized that my family’s most prominent summertime traditions have evolved around checking things off a list. And not a list of “wonderful family vacations”nope – our lists largely consist of home improvement projects.  Owen and I seem to be a bit home improvement/DIY obsessed.  But our kids, well…they hate it.

To hell with the lists!

I have hired someone else to finish painting our house (gasp!  I know!).

My little/big family of five is going to spend our summer weekends away from the house.

Adventure calls…and we’re heeding it this summer!

Cabins, lakes and the fresh Rocky Mountain air - I have grandiose schemes aplenty!

Here’s to a summer filled with building new family traditions

…and to falling over with exhaustion come September!!

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What are your family’s summer traditions?  Are you a home body, or an adventurer?  Did having kids change any of that?  Are you a list-maker or a list-slave?  Organization is totally overrated, right?!

s_a_a

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Happiness is fleeting.

You grasp at it wildly, throwing yourself into situations and emotions that flicker with happy. And then you lay in bed, staring at the shadowy star of the ceiling fan, wondering where you put it. Where did it (happy) go?

Capturing it is futile. Growing it, impossible. For your soil is barren, dry, infertile.

Joy is the sustenance for happy. Joy is the rain, the sun, the organic matter that happiness thrives in.

I’ve got that much figured out. Joy is not the same as happy.

Joy is deeper, richer, more filling (and fulfilling). It bubbles up from your soul, feeding your happiness.

So, here’s my question…
If you feed your soul, will it bubble up joy?

It’s worth a try.

s_a_a

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