Posts Tagged ‘just be’

time to heal

Posted in beginnings, family, gray area, self-discovery, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2013 | Leave a Comment »

Source: Pinterest

 

Healing.

That’s my keyword for 2013.

It’s taken me over an month to come to it.  I’ve never been big on New Year’s Resolutions. January and February are for hibernating, not hitting the gym!  I like to let the energy of the new year settle in for a while, before I decide where it is going to lead me on my journey.

In reflection 2012 was a little edgy.  Last January and February (in full disaccord to my own beliefs about hibernation) I bleached out my long brown tresses – like platinum blonde! – and then decided on a whim to cut those crunchy fried locks.  I weilded the scissors myself one afternoon during nap time!  I didn’t go all Britney Spears (remember the shaved head incident?)  But I did lop off about 6 inches and ended up with it at chin length after my shocked stylist fixed it all up for me again.   I was frantically trying to change myself and leave my past behind.  But I was only looking on the outside – which really is the easiest part to change.

Springtime brought with it an epiphany of sorts and I started going to counseling.  That’s when everything started making a lot more sense.  By Fall, I had finally decided to confront my problems rather than continue to avoid them.  And well, that was partially freeing, but mostly painful.  At least I spoke my truth.  Even if it was only met with more accusations of how wrong and horrible I am.

With winter just weeks old, the universe decided to throw me into the fire of grief, love, pain and hope.  I took lots of naps, but did very little writing.  I found solace in cooking and sewing instead.  The decided snaps while chopping vegetables.  The simple rhythm of the sewing machine.  It was very meditative for me, shutting down the crazy, babbling monkey in my brain.

I had lengthy and emotional conversations (and rants) with Owen.  I voiced my worries and fears for my sister.  I voiced my frustrations and disappointment and anger toward my parents and their actions (or inactions in most cases).

It all kept me from imploding into myself.  I wasn’t about to slip into that deep and dark hole.  I just needed to get through it all and find some time to breathe and just be.

I never got around to the healing last year.

The truth seemed to do a good job of crumbling the past (and some of the present).

Now it’s time to clean up the mess and make way for a new beginning…

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I’ve rediscovered SARK’s writing and am hoping to give this healing process a little extra help with her books Transformation Soup and Glad No Matter What. Have you read these titles? Do you have any must-reads on healing?

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second chances {my fiction}

Posted in creative hobbies, fiction, why I blog, tagged , , , , , , , , on January 31, 2013 | Leave a Comment »

She stood up a little straighter.  Shoulders back, chin up.  Her right hand instinctively reached up to smooth her flowing chocolate strands flying in the autumn breeze.

Does he remember me?  It’s been so many years.  We were practically children…

Her thoughts wandered through fuzzy memories of adolescent yearnings and confusion.

She looked around.  Children running, tossing balls, in the grassy bowl of the elementary school yard.

Her own children were down there somewhere.  His were too.

When did this happen?  When did we become the grown-ups?  The old people?  When did we become our parents?

Theryn still felt like that fourteen year old girl who was trying so hard to leave her childhood behind.  She had been running away for over twenty years.

As she stood on the sidelines of the children’s games, she pulled out her phone and acted like she was engrossed in reading and tapping out messages.  She couldn’t bring herself to look up again.

Josh watched her from the shaded lenses of his sunglasses, masking his line of sight.  He was certain it was her.  There was no mistaking Theryn, even spending most of their lives apart, that small flutter in his stomach told him without question it was her.

As his stood there amidst the memories of a life past, the fluttering turned into knots, and his conscience reminded him of the stupid, selfish actions of 15 year old boy.

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I’ve been silent here (and really, everywhere) for awhile.  It wasn’t something I did intentionally.  In all honesty, I haven’t put pen to paper for weeks at time over the past several months.  I dove into my life as a wife and mother, hoping to busy myself enough for those worries, fears, and nagging memories of the past to fall away and let me be.  Life doesn’t work that way though, and the more I have squashed away those feelings and memories, the more Life has thrown my way to stir it all up again.  

“Face your Fears head on”, Life has told me in these past months.  So here I am again, hoping to find peace in sharing my words, my life, my art – in other words – My Heart –  on these pages and posts in this little gray garden I’m growing.  

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reflections of Mommy {my August photos}

Posted in creative hobbies, photography, summer, tagged , , , , , on August 9, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

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{a faceless self-portrait}

Yesterday was just one of those days. Baby boy E. was all shades of cranky and fussy and needy. So after a couple hours of attempting to entertain him inside, I decided we both needed a little fresh air. I scooped him up into my Ergo carrier (my favorite by far!) and tucked his blue blankie in with him. Within minutes of wandering through the backyard he fell asleep.

With B. and D. happily entertained inside by Curious George, I settled in with E. at the picnic table to enjoy a few quiet moments and recharge from a stressful morning.

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OK – so it’s not entirely faceless…but people have always told me how expressive and intense my eyes are – and I think this little snapshot taken with my phone captured those eyes that everyone else sees.      

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my groundhog day

Posted in memoir, photography, self-discovery, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 29, 2012 | 2 Comments »

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{taken early morning, August 26, 2010, from my living room window}

It seems like only yesterday I was sitting in this living room, thinking how my life was feeling more and more like that movie Groundhog Day.  I was waiting for E .(nearly 2 weeks overdue) to arrive and part of me was completely terrified for his arrival because deep-down I knew that somehow, someway, giving birth to him was going to be a monumental pivot point in my life – my family’s life.  And not in the typical-new-baby-fashion.

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{my big E. belly! also on August 26, 2010}

Sometimes things just feel indescribably more important than what you think they should feel like.

I felt that it was the one event in my life that would suddenly click into place and “poof”, my Groundhog Day would end and a new course would begin.

(Boy, did it ever!  A near-death experience, traumatic post-partum issues, discovering the whole BPD thing)

I’m so very grateful for my wonderfully simple yet utterly profound life.  My husband.  My kids.  My house.  My dog.  Even my car.  My entire life – in general – in its entirety – from the miniscule to the extraordinary.

I feel like a warrior now – a weary one at times – but still a warrior.

I have returned home from my battles to heal, inside and out.  There will be scars.

There are scars, inside and out.

I will continue to heal, knowing with confidence that I am stronger than I could ever have imagined.

My sword, my shield, hanging proudly above my heart’s mantle.  A reminder to myself and a warning to any threatening forces.

–> I am a warrior <–

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let freedom ring

Posted in family, memoir, self-discovery, why I blog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 27, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

I’ve been reading through some of my old, personal journal entries lately.  Partly for my therapy sessions and partly because I like to be reminded where I’ve been from time to time.  This one struck me as pretty important, and I think sharing it with the world (you!) is pretty important too.  Just so you know, this is pretty much verbatim from my journal…I’ve only edited out the mis-spellings and some grammar to help it flow better.

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Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The future is now.  And here I am…8 months later and I’m still avoiding a decision.  Stay or Go?  I’m still in the holding pattern.  Probably the biggest, most in-your-face-reason why I avoid this journal.  Fear.

Fear of making a decision.  Fear of making the wrong decision.  Fear of making the right decision.  I never thought I feared change, but this change is so big and life-altering…the best kind of change out there, really.

Transformation lies ahead of me.  I worry.

I worry if “they” will accept my transformation.  I worry if I will be able to stay a good mother and a good wife.

It (this change) will set me free.  At least that’s what I’ve heard.  You know, from those countless intuitive/soul-searching books?  I am FREE.  Who says I can’t continue to live in abundance?

Source: mr-little.com on Pinterest

Sometimes letting go of things no longer needed is the best way to “have more”.  Be more.

I cleaned out half my clothes in my closet over the course of the past year.  Letting go is so invigorating.  But it is so hard to let go of my paycheck.  I feel silly and stupid and greedy all for the same reason.  I want to be with my babies.  I don’t want my parents to have such a major role in my daily/weekly life.  I don’t want to be stuck in the same dysfunctional parent-child relationship as an adult.  I want to feel like I am important.  I am a mother.  And a damn good one to boot.  My parents don’t really see me for who I am.

I want freedom.  But I fear that freedom I crave will imprison me in other ways.  Financial, and as a result, emotionally with Owen.  He says he supports me.  And I think that he really does.  I think that my fear is skewing my judgement, as fear so readily and easily does.  I want to jump down the rabbit hole.  I want to do so with wild abandonment –> I won’t look back.

Owen wants me to ask about a “leave of absence”.  And – really – it does make logical sense.  But emotionally, it is just a connection to the past.  Will it be a strong enough connection with the past to affect my life?  Hmmm….?  Hard to say, really.  I have learned through writing and reading and many serendipitous encounters that I have the sole key to my own happiness.  And I’m finally “getting it”.  Slowly (and sometimes in big waves and rushes of inspiration) I now SEE ME.  I honestly think I NEED to cut the ties of my job, my career.

All of this stuff that surrounds me…it’s just stuff.  My fear is just the “sad-bad-mad” little pill living inside my head.  It’s followed me from my past.  Sure, nothing’s perfect, but it seems like I have been choosing, searching for ways to wallow in pain and wallow in misery.  Seraching for reasons to feel more pitiful.  What a crock of crap!

I am truly blessed.  And I don’t need to find any missing pieces of my soul/my self in this life.  I AM WHOLE.  I was born WHOLE.  Just like D. and B. are whole, pure little souls.  I have that power within me.  I Am Free To Be Me.  I know that I am with who I need to be with on my journey.  Owen, D. and B.  We will travel this journey together.

Anyhow – I just want to purge – everything around me.  I know it doesn’t sound rational, but it’s just spilling out of me.  I want to be in nature.  The pressures of “having” can be overwhelming.  It takes up precious time and precious energy and precious, precious moments of bliss and love.

I don’t want to be so connected to the chaos of the internet and the TV. It’s addictive – and I feel the yearnings and cravings for my “fix” even while I am outside playing with my babies.  I don’t like it.  It makes me feel black and moldy on the inside.  It’s not real.

I want to feel real, present.  I want to feel invigorated.

I am ready to take the leap.  Right now.

I want to purge & release & change everything.

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It still took me another 6 months to finally cut the cord to my career.  My parents were watching my two kids during the two days each week that I was working, which I knew wasn’t healthy for any of us…but I just couldn’t put my finger on exactly why.  This  was written nearly 4 years ago, and it is amazing to me how much has changed since then.  Perhaps this entry was the catalyst for me to finally listen to my intuition and do what was right for me and my family?  

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the law of love

Posted in gray area, why I blog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2012 | 2 Comments »

Gratitude is the buzz word these days.  Be thankful for all that you have, send positive energy out into the Universe and it will be reciprocated tenfold.

Yes, I believe in Gratitude.

But, first and foremost, I believe in Love.

Source: youngmarriedchic.com on Pinterest

Awhile back, I stumbled upon this blog post about writing a daily love list.

It struck a chord with me, and I’ve been writing love lists in my private journal for weeks now.

-  I love writing.

-  I love sharing my writing.  

Those were the first two things I decided to list the very first time I did the exercise.  At the time, I was feeling silly and self-absorbed for even considering that my blog would be reader-worthy.  But then, I realized, who really cares?  I blog because I feel the need to share these pieces of myself with the world.  

Like so many other writer-types out there, I am an introvert.  So if you were to meet up with me in person, I would likely be quiet and reserved, especially if I didn’t know you very well.  This is my space in the world to share those thoughts and feelings, musings, etc. that I would likely keep bumping into in my mind for years to come, never finding a voice to free them.

This love list thing – I dare you to try it sometime!   Sit down with your journal, or a laptop, or even a napkin – and write a list of 10 things that you love (about yourself, your life, the world around you!).  I guarantee the more you do it, the more you’ll love it!

Love is where we come from and where we are going.

In the wise words of The Beatles’, “Love is all you need.“

I believe in Love.

I hope you believe in Love too.

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What do you love most about what makes you, You?  Have you ever made a love list or a gratitude list?  Is love really all you need (besides the basics of food, shelter, etc.)?  

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you’re so vain…

Posted in memoir, self-discovery, why I blog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 20, 2012 | 6 Comments »

…you probably think this blog is about you.

Well, you’re wrong! It’s about me! (I’m the vain one here!)

Vanity & Aging.

It happens to the best of us. No matter how hard we try to defy time (and gravity!) our bodies insist of sagging and wrinkling and discoloring (age spots, gray hairs).

And I think it’s one of those things – like having kids – that you don’t fully understand until it happens to you. Until more recent years, I never really understood why women would spend hundreds of dollars on those anti-aging elixirs…or even cosmetic surgery!

I always thought I would “age gracefully” – which meant that I would look years younger than I actually was! But, today, at 36 years old, when I look in the mirror, or I see photos of myself, I think, “Who is that woman?!”

I don’t feel old…but I sure do look old!

I know that part of my problem stems from my tumultuous relationship with my own mother. Instead of seeing myself, I see my mom. Damn you, genetics! Don’t get me wrong, she is an attractive woman, but she’s the last person I want looking back at me in my mirror!

This aging thing feels like it just snuck up on me.  I was busy for the past 7 years being a wife and mother (I even juggled career for the first four years!) and unfortunately, I lost myself along the way.  Not entirely, mind you.  But I certainly lost the part that swore she would never “let herself go“.

I have let myself go.  I wear elastic waistbands (oh how I heart thee yoga pants!) 95% of the time…because they’re so comfy and I still have about 15 lbs of baby fat to lose (my baby is almost two now, so that baby fat excuse is getting pretty thin!).  I seldom wear makeup…and my freckles are starting to morph into age spots, not to mention the wrinkles around my eyes and forehead.   Can you say, “Laser surgery is my friend”?

I am fully aware of the “You’re only as old as you feel” adage.  And mentally, I am feeling better than I have in so, so long.  I am very grateful for that.  I do realize that maybe my outward appearance has slipped because I’ve been doing lots of restructuring and sorting out on the inside.  I also realize that I am certainly not alone in my wishful vanities and anti-aging battles.

I’m still me.  That mom-like person looking back at me in the mirror…that’s still me too.  I am a mom (but that does not mean that I am my mom).  Who I am on the outside is not nearly as important as who I am on the inside…but I have a sneaking suspicion now that my insides are humming along my outsides want some much needed (and missed!) attention!

 

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It seems a little shallow and silly to be talking so much about my outsides…but the outside and the inside both play a part in what makes me a whole person!  Society is so hypocritical – expecting supermodel beauty, but telling you how shameful vanity is!  Do you feel like your insides and outsides match/work together?  

Just Write is already in it’s 40th weekly installment…go read some more!

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a garden update

Posted in beginnings, creative hobbies, family, fun, gardening, photography, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on June 15, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

We planted our garden about 10 days ago.  B. and E. had fun playing in the dirt.  D., well, he lost interest after the first couple plants…not what I expected, considering he was the most excited about making a garden this year!  Six year olds – go figure!

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We have three of these little circles, each with similar veggies growing. One for each of the kiddos.

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They are probably a bit undersized for the plants, but we’ll just see how it all grows this year. So far there have been two hail storms that threatened to rip these little guys to shreds…thankfully, the hail stayed about pea-sized and little damage was done!

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I am looking forward to watching these gardens grow, watching my kiddos learn to take care of them, and learning about growing my family’s food – something I’ve always been curious about, but never tried.

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These three little gardens are going to be one of our summertime adventures this year! Here’s to long sunshine-y days!

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everything zen

Posted in family, fun, memoir, summer, why I blog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 12, 2012 | 2 Comments »

Zen – (n) 1. contemplation of one’s essential nature to the exclusion of all else is the only way of achieving pure enlightenment

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I am settling into summer’s essence. Sunshine warming my skin, vibrant blue skies above, and the hum of life all around me.

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We walked down to the school-park again this morning. It’s quiet and I love watching E. wander around picking dandelions.

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My eyes, my ears…my senses are so much more alive right now than I ever remember them being before. I watched my little people running and playing and rolling down the grassy hills. I thought about joining in, I really did.

And maybe I should have.

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Except that it felt so inexplicably perfect to sit on the steps and watch them be them.

They are happy. They are content. And they are so full of love.

I lost myself in the moment, just floating above it all while a true and deep sense of calm radiated itself through my body.

I don’t really have words for it. Just Be comes to mind, yet it was so much more and so much less – in the true nature of Zen.

I do know this…it was good.

{just write}

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Have you ever found yourself truly in the moment? Does time ever stand still, only for you to realize it after the fact? I’m not talking “sci-fi” here, I’m talking real life. Have you found that place where you are safe to lose yourself? For me, my kids take me there all the time – and so does my free-writing/journaling…sometimes even when I’m sewing I feel myself floating away. What about you?

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closer to fine

Posted in gray area, self-discovery, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 11, 2012 | 2 Comments »

daisies

 

Connections.

It’s a topic that everyone seems to be interested in, ingrained in the human condition.

Is it possible to ever really, truly connect with someone on an emotional level?

I think we all try to, to some degree or another.

Except – first don’t we need to understand our own emotions before we can begin to explain them, or share them with others?

This is where I am right now.

The realization that I don’t really know what emotion(s) I have.

I’m certainly not emotionless. But I don’t know how to explain them, or how to really share them for that matter! This is likely where I’ve been for most of my life. Between being an introvert by nature, and learning to walk on eggshells to try to keep the peace at home (the nurture part), I have a tendency to stuff everything down into those lint-filled pockets of my inner self.

I realize that I am not unique in this way. Most of us, as children, were taught to suppress our emotions, especially those outwardly messy ones like fear and even pain.

When someone asks, “How are you?” Do you respond truthfully?

Are you really, “Fine, thanks.” ?

Does anyone really want to know how truly miserable (or even truly elated) you are really feeling?

Most of us, myself included, find security in the “Fine.” It’s the gray area of ordinariness that we find ourselves in on a daily basis.

Being “fine” is the benchmark of our existence.

I even catch myself telling my own children, “You’re fine.”, when they are clearly not fine.

I wish I had some tidy way to tie up these thoughts…

We all walk the line of “fine” every single day. We wrap ourselves up in that cozy blanket of “fine” and we go about our lives wondering how to truly feel connected to any of it.

Is it the “just fine” that keeps us separate?

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How important are emotional connections to you? Do you feel like you are successful in making them? Or do you tend to tell everyone you are “just fine”, even when you are not? Are we wrong in telling are children that they are “just fine” too? Do the social networks help us to connect…or are we just finding our digital “just fine”?

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