Posts Tagged ‘just write’

aftermath {just write}

Posted in gray area, self-discovery, memoir, family, borderline personality disorder, health, tagged , , , , on May 21, 2013 | Leave a Comment »

Yesterday, one of the worst tornadoes in history ripped through the Oklahoma City area.  My sister, who nearly died after being hit by a drunk driver just 5 months ago, lives in that area.

Thankfully, her home and her family were not directly effected. But it stirred up all kinds of emotions and fears.

Understandably, for her – and surprisingly, for me.

I’m still not sure why.  Perhaps it’s my own near death experience?  Perhaps it’s because I have not seen my sister since I flew out to OKC just 10 days after her accident.  She was still trapped somewhere in the dark depths of unconsciousness, struggling for moments of lucidity and awareness.  I stayed in the town of Moore, OK.  The very town devastated by yesterday’s natural disaster.

My family and I were planning on driving out to visit my sister and her family over this holiday weekend.  But we’ve decided to cancel that trip now.

And I wonder, am I allowing fear to rule this decision, or just common-sense?

My sister is planning to fly out here and stay most of this summer with my parents while she undergoes hyperbaric oxygen therapy for the brain injury she acquired from the car accident.

So I will be seeing her and her family within a couple weeks…but she’s planning to stay at our parents’ house — so the unsettled relationship that I have with my parents is starting to cause me some anxiety (again!).

I keep typing words, piecing together these sentences, slamming down the delete button — over and over again.  I am trying to figure out why this seemingly random string of events is bothering me so much.  What is truly going on underneath it all?

Life goes on, it always has, it always will.

But right now, I kinda wish I had a pause button.

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I’m joining in Just Write again at The EO.  Attempting…it’s been too long.  Head on over and check out some really amazing writers!

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walk on by

Posted in family, health, school days, tagged , , , , , on September 11, 2012 | 4 Comments »

No one walks to school.

Our suburbia landscape fills with a steady stream of cars, minivans and SUVs every single morning, around 8 am.

I watch as fellow parents that live on our street, load up their kids each morning as our little brigade passes their driveways, backpacks bobbing and ponytails swinging.

Even the handful that stay at home (like me), choose to drive the less than half mile down the road to school each morning.

The cars line the roads, parking just a few blocks from their very own driveway.  Everyone unloads – moms and dads included – and walks to the classroom doors.

It’s such a phenomenon that the school’s administration has sent home numerous questionnaires asking about the parent’s chosen method of transportation.  Because the overload of cars at and around the school every morning (and afternoon) is mind-boggling and chaotic, as one might guess.

Is everyone really just that lazy?  I know that many moms have “saluted” me as some kind of hero for pushing a stroller and toting along two others every morning.  Like I’m doing something above and beyond the norm.  Which I guess, in my little world, I am.  But, seriously?  It seems like so much more of a pain in the ass to deal with boosters and carseats and parking, etc.

I understand how hectic and hard it is to get everyone out the door in the mornings.  But that’s just life with kids.  I slap my ponytail in my hair, don my yoga pants (that have never seen a yoga studio!), a t-shirt and slide sunglasses over my naked face.

And we walk to school.

{Source: http://blog.invisiblecreature.com via Pinterest}

Which makes us quite out of the ordinary in our little world.

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Do you walk your kids to school most days? How close to the school do you live? Don’t get me wrong…I do drive them on certain days…yucky weather or sick siblings or if I need to run errands that morning, but we do walk 80% of the time!
I’m joining Heather of the EO today with Just Write. Go check out lots of other great writers/bloggers/mommies!

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let freedom ring

Posted in family, memoir, self-discovery, why I blog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 27, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

I’ve been reading through some of my old, personal journal entries lately.  Partly for my therapy sessions and partly because I like to be reminded where I’ve been from time to time.  This one struck me as pretty important, and I think sharing it with the world (you!) is pretty important too.  Just so you know, this is pretty much verbatim from my journal…I’ve only edited out the mis-spellings and some grammar to help it flow better.

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Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The future is now.  And here I am…8 months later and I’m still avoiding a decision.  Stay or Go?  I’m still in the holding pattern.  Probably the biggest, most in-your-face-reason why I avoid this journal.  Fear.

Fear of making a decision.  Fear of making the wrong decision.  Fear of making the right decision.  I never thought I feared change, but this change is so big and life-altering…the best kind of change out there, really.

Transformation lies ahead of me.  I worry.

I worry if “they” will accept my transformation.  I worry if I will be able to stay a good mother and a good wife.

It (this change) will set me free.  At least that’s what I’ve heard.  You know, from those countless intuitive/soul-searching books?  I am FREE.  Who says I can’t continue to live in abundance?

Source: mr-little.com on Pinterest

Sometimes letting go of things no longer needed is the best way to “have more”.  Be more.

I cleaned out half my clothes in my closet over the course of the past year.  Letting go is so invigorating.  But it is so hard to let go of my paycheck.  I feel silly and stupid and greedy all for the same reason.  I want to be with my babies.  I don’t want my parents to have such a major role in my daily/weekly life.  I don’t want to be stuck in the same dysfunctional parent-child relationship as an adult.  I want to feel like I am important.  I am a mother.  And a damn good one to boot.  My parents don’t really see me for who I am.

I want freedom.  But I fear that freedom I crave will imprison me in other ways.  Financial, and as a result, emotionally with Owen.  He says he supports me.  And I think that he really does.  I think that my fear is skewing my judgement, as fear so readily and easily does.  I want to jump down the rabbit hole.  I want to do so with wild abandonment –> I won’t look back.

Owen wants me to ask about a “leave of absence”.  And – really – it does make logical sense.  But emotionally, it is just a connection to the past.  Will it be a strong enough connection with the past to affect my life?  Hmmm….?  Hard to say, really.  I have learned through writing and reading and many serendipitous encounters that I have the sole key to my own happiness.  And I’m finally “getting it”.  Slowly (and sometimes in big waves and rushes of inspiration) I now SEE ME.  I honestly think I NEED to cut the ties of my job, my career.

All of this stuff that surrounds me…it’s just stuff.  My fear is just the “sad-bad-mad” little pill living inside my head.  It’s followed me from my past.  Sure, nothing’s perfect, but it seems like I have been choosing, searching for ways to wallow in pain and wallow in misery.  Seraching for reasons to feel more pitiful.  What a crock of crap!

I am truly blessed.  And I don’t need to find any missing pieces of my soul/my self in this life.  I AM WHOLE.  I was born WHOLE.  Just like D. and B. are whole, pure little souls.  I have that power within me.  I Am Free To Be Me.  I know that I am with who I need to be with on my journey.  Owen, D. and B.  We will travel this journey together.

Anyhow – I just want to purge – everything around me.  I know it doesn’t sound rational, but it’s just spilling out of me.  I want to be in nature.  The pressures of “having” can be overwhelming.  It takes up precious time and precious energy and precious, precious moments of bliss and love.

I don’t want to be so connected to the chaos of the internet and the TV. It’s addictive – and I feel the yearnings and cravings for my “fix” even while I am outside playing with my babies.  I don’t like it.  It makes me feel black and moldy on the inside.  It’s not real.

I want to feel real, present.  I want to feel invigorated.

I am ready to take the leap.  Right now.

I want to purge & release & change everything.

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It still took me another 6 months to finally cut the cord to my career.  My parents were watching my two kids during the two days each week that I was working, which I knew wasn’t healthy for any of us…but I just couldn’t put my finger on exactly why.  This  was written nearly 4 years ago, and it is amazing to me how much has changed since then.  Perhaps this entry was the catalyst for me to finally listen to my intuition and do what was right for me and my family?  

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you’re so vain…

Posted in memoir, self-discovery, why I blog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 20, 2012 | 6 Comments »

…you probably think this blog is about you.

Well, you’re wrong! It’s about me! (I’m the vain one here!)

Vanity & Aging.

It happens to the best of us. No matter how hard we try to defy time (and gravity!) our bodies insist of sagging and wrinkling and discoloring (age spots, gray hairs).

And I think it’s one of those things – like having kids – that you don’t fully understand until it happens to you. Until more recent years, I never really understood why women would spend hundreds of dollars on those anti-aging elixirs…or even cosmetic surgery!

I always thought I would “age gracefully” – which meant that I would look years younger than I actually was! But, today, at 36 years old, when I look in the mirror, or I see photos of myself, I think, “Who is that woman?!”

I don’t feel old…but I sure do look old!

I know that part of my problem stems from my tumultuous relationship with my own mother. Instead of seeing myself, I see my mom. Damn you, genetics! Don’t get me wrong, she is an attractive woman, but she’s the last person I want looking back at me in my mirror!

This aging thing feels like it just snuck up on me.  I was busy for the past 7 years being a wife and mother (I even juggled career for the first four years!) and unfortunately, I lost myself along the way.  Not entirely, mind you.  But I certainly lost the part that swore she would never “let herself go“.

I have let myself go.  I wear elastic waistbands (oh how I heart thee yoga pants!) 95% of the time…because they’re so comfy and I still have about 15 lbs of baby fat to lose (my baby is almost two now, so that baby fat excuse is getting pretty thin!).  I seldom wear makeup…and my freckles are starting to morph into age spots, not to mention the wrinkles around my eyes and forehead.   Can you say, “Laser surgery is my friend”?

I am fully aware of the “You’re only as old as you feel” adage.  And mentally, I am feeling better than I have in so, so long.  I am very grateful for that.  I do realize that maybe my outward appearance has slipped because I’ve been doing lots of restructuring and sorting out on the inside.  I also realize that I am certainly not alone in my wishful vanities and anti-aging battles.

I’m still me.  That mom-like person looking back at me in the mirror…that’s still me too.  I am a mom (but that does not mean that I am my mom).  Who I am on the outside is not nearly as important as who I am on the inside…but I have a sneaking suspicion now that my insides are humming along my outsides want some much needed (and missed!) attention!

 

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It seems a little shallow and silly to be talking so much about my outsides…but the outside and the inside both play a part in what makes me a whole person!  Society is so hypocritical – expecting supermodel beauty, but telling you how shameful vanity is!  Do you feel like your insides and outsides match/work together?  

Just Write is already in it’s 40th weekly installment…go read some more!

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everything zen

Posted in family, fun, memoir, summer, why I blog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 12, 2012 | 2 Comments »

Zen – (n) 1. contemplation of one’s essential nature to the exclusion of all else is the only way of achieving pure enlightenment

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I am settling into summer’s essence. Sunshine warming my skin, vibrant blue skies above, and the hum of life all around me.

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We walked down to the school-park again this morning. It’s quiet and I love watching E. wander around picking dandelions.

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My eyes, my ears…my senses are so much more alive right now than I ever remember them being before. I watched my little people running and playing and rolling down the grassy hills. I thought about joining in, I really did.

And maybe I should have.

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Except that it felt so inexplicably perfect to sit on the steps and watch them be them.

They are happy. They are content. And they are so full of love.

I lost myself in the moment, just floating above it all while a true and deep sense of calm radiated itself through my body.

I don’t really have words for it. Just Be comes to mind, yet it was so much more and so much less – in the true nature of Zen.

I do know this…it was good.

{just write}

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Have you ever found yourself truly in the moment? Does time ever stand still, only for you to realize it after the fact? I’m not talking “sci-fi” here, I’m talking real life. Have you found that place where you are safe to lose yourself? For me, my kids take me there all the time – and so does my free-writing/journaling…sometimes even when I’m sewing I feel myself floating away. What about you?

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restless

Posted in dreams, family, gray area, memoir, self-discovery, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 7, 2012 | 2 Comments »

The shades are drawn, and the skinny lamp shines on me in my favorite chair. Outside, the thunderstorms are raging, pounding rain (maybe it’s hail?) and flashes that light up the dark house. Everyone is tucked in, including Owen, whom I heard faintly snoring as I dried off and lotioned up after spending 15 minutes of solace, washing away the day.

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The book sits beside me. I’ve been highlighting as I read along (something I haven’t done since college). I am finding so much truth in those pages, but my progress is slow. The truth can sometimes be like eating your brussel sprouts: you know it’s healthy for you, but you still find yourself cringing and gagging down each “rotten-tangy-sweet” bite.

The truth has been bubbling up in my dreams, filling them with chaos and mass destruction…a reflection of some of my distant childhood memories. My mother, the epicenter of my chaos and the destruction of my self-esteem.

These words and pages I’m reading are filled with explanations. I get tingly-queasy with each realization, snapping off the highlighter cap and fervently marking the page. “This is why I am the way I am,” I think to myself.

But the high of validation is waning now, and I’m longing for words of healing.

Every night, the same prayer, “I just want to move on, please help me heal and move on.”

Inside, I sometimes scream, “Heal already damn it!”, as I imagine myself wiping my hands clean, then burning the towel with the disgusting stains of shame, guilt and a childhood lost.

My logical mind reminds me, with clarity and constance, that a lifetime of emotional pain can not be healed in a mere three weeks.

I will heal.

With love and with patience -

for myself
from myself

I will become whole.

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{just write}

The book I’m reading is called Stop Walking on Eggshells, by Mason & Kreger. I highly recommend it if someone you love and care about has borderline personality disorder (BPD) … even if they have not been diagnosed or refuse treatment, this book will help you to begin sorting through the chaos.

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OK {just write}

Posted in gray area, self-discovery, tagged , , , , , , , , , on May 30, 2012 | 1 Comment »

I don’t have the answers.
And I’m learning that -maybe- that is OK.

My planning ways have loosened their grip on me; my life.

Instead, I daydream
about what may come.

It’s fuzzy, and gray…
and I don’t really know where I am going.

It’s scary to feel a bit lazy and a lot out of control. But I am learning that

-maybe-

That is OK.

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I’m linking up to Heather of the EO and her Just Write series.  Click on over, and check out her amazing words and many, many others that are joining in!  

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time marches on {just write}

Posted in gray area, memoir, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on May 22, 2012 | 4 Comments »

The sun is 4th of July hot.  E. is picking up ants – “an, an” he says as he shows me the tiny black bugs crawling over his palm.  ”Put the ants on the ground, Baby.  Be nice to the ants.” We don’t hurt bugs at our house. He wanders over to his water table, and starts to sip water from his shovel, “num, num”.

The thrum of bass and pop-y vocals rises up over the low hum of distant cars, the chirping birds and the breeze whispering through the tall Ponderosas.

The neighbor boy busies himself, cleaning up his parent’s patio, his Life’s soundtrack making the work just a bit more like play.  There’s a party in his honor this weekend, he’s graduating from the same high school I did 18 years ago.

How funny time is.  18 years ago, I was 18 years old.  Listening to the soundtrack of my Life…Pearl Jam, Nirvana, The Cranberries.  Those are oldies in his book.  And my brand new, 1994, Red Hyundai Excel (the car I learned to drive stick with), is surely in a junk yard by now.

I  look over at E., still sipping and splashing away, and I can’t help but feel a little pull of sadness and nostalgia.  The first 18 years of my life, well, they couldn’t happen fast enough.  The second 18 years slipped by with so much busyness and change, and I fear that my third set of 18 years will do the same.

“The days are long, but the years are short.”  

Those words are so very true.

They have become my mantra, in a sense.  And I find myself getting up out of my lounge chair and sitting down beside E. to splash and be splashed.

 I blink back the tears – bittersweet.

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I’m linking up to Heather of the EO and her Just Write series.  Click on over, and check out her amazing words and many, many others that are joining in!  

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friendship & new beginnings {just write}

Posted in beginnings, friends, gray area, tagged , , , , , , , , on May 15, 2012 | 4 Comments »

The neighbor’s across the street are moving next weekend, and the house will be rented again to a new family.

I’ve been watching them through our living room window for the past few weeks as they’ve sorted and packed and piled the boxes filled with what makes their house a home – their home – into the garage.

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Three years ago,  I was newly inaugurated into this world of the stay-at-home-mom, as I watched that family, and their next-door neighbors move in to the houses across the street from us in a matter of a few weeks. (yes, we have 3 rental houses across the street from our house!)   In the past 5 years that we’ve lived here, we’ve known seven different families whom have lived in those 3 houses.  So far, so good. I hate to sound judgmental, because I know we’ve all been in that rental boat at some point in time…but you never know if the next family is gonna be the one that shakes up the energy on the block (in a bad way, of course – we can always use a little good energy shake up, right?!).  To be honest, I don’t know if we would have purchased this house knowing about the rentals.

Now it’s time for this family to move on to their new beginnings.  And our quiet little street will be busied with movers and moving vans.

Please, please, please let it be a younger family – kinda like mine – maybe even with a bona fide stay-at-home-mom!

I haven’t known a SAHM in real life (plenty via the internet!) since officially joining their ranks.  And I think it might be nice to have someone to connect with, and maybe even become friends with…a grown-up BFF perhaps?!  Yeah, I won’t hold my breathe.  But I will keep my fingers crossed, and my heart open.

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This is my first time linking up to Heather of the EO and her Just Write series.  Click on over, and check out her amazing words and many, many others that are joining in!  

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