Posts Tagged ‘parenting’

growing {old & up}

Posted in beginnings, borderline personality disorder, family, self-discovery, tainted childhood, tagged , , , , , , , , , on March 1, 2013 | Leave a Comment »

I have a fear of becoming my mother.

Probably a little more so than your average woman does.

Of course, the whole genetics thing is difficult to overcome.   The older I get the more and more I look like her (even though everyone always said I looked just like my dad when I was a kid – go figure!).  I hate catching glimpses of her while looking in the mirror.

I am realizing though, that I have very little control over physical traits – like how my face is shaped!

And that those traits don’t really matter much to my kids.

They just see their own mom when they look at me.

But my actions, my emotions, my parenting, and pretty much everything else – I do have control over.

And through those parts of myself, I try to give my kids the childhood that I wish I could have had.

The first and foremost being an emotionally stable mother.

 

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close your eyes, make a wish

Posted in beginnings, borderline personality disorder, family, gray area, memoir, self-discovery, tainted childhood, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 27, 2013 | Leave a Comment »

A wish list from my inner child:

hugs and i love you’s – everyday – heck, multiple times a day even!

books read to me – I don’t ever remember either parent ever reading to me, ever.

a healthy diet – I grew up on processed, refined and pre-packaged junk food – ugh!

cuddle time – like at bedtime or just while watching tv – I hated feeling so alone and disconnected all the time.

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walk on by

Posted in family, health, school days, tagged , , , , , on September 11, 2012 | 4 Comments »

No one walks to school.

Our suburbia landscape fills with a steady stream of cars, minivans and SUVs every single morning, around 8 am.

I watch as fellow parents that live on our street, load up their kids each morning as our little brigade passes their driveways, backpacks bobbing and ponytails swinging.

Even the handful that stay at home (like me), choose to drive the less than half mile down the road to school each morning.

The cars line the roads, parking just a few blocks from their very own driveway.  Everyone unloads – moms and dads included – and walks to the classroom doors.

It’s such a phenomenon that the school’s administration has sent home numerous questionnaires asking about the parent’s chosen method of transportation.  Because the overload of cars at and around the school every morning (and afternoon) is mind-boggling and chaotic, as one might guess.

Is everyone really just that lazy?  I know that many moms have “saluted” me as some kind of hero for pushing a stroller and toting along two others every morning.  Like I’m doing something above and beyond the norm.  Which I guess, in my little world, I am.  But, seriously?  It seems like so much more of a pain in the ass to deal with boosters and carseats and parking, etc.

I understand how hectic and hard it is to get everyone out the door in the mornings.  But that’s just life with kids.  I slap my ponytail in my hair, don my yoga pants (that have never seen a yoga studio!), a t-shirt and slide sunglasses over my naked face.

And we walk to school.

{Source: http://blog.invisiblecreature.com via Pinterest}

Which makes us quite out of the ordinary in our little world.

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Do you walk your kids to school most days? How close to the school do you live? Don’t get me wrong…I do drive them on certain days…yucky weather or sick siblings or if I need to run errands that morning, but we do walk 80% of the time!
I’m joining Heather of the EO today with Just Write. Go check out lots of other great writers/bloggers/mommies!

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reflections of Mommy {my August photos}

Posted in creative hobbies, photography, summer, tagged , , , , , on August 9, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

photo
{a faceless self-portrait}

Yesterday was just one of those days. Baby boy E. was all shades of cranky and fussy and needy. So after a couple hours of attempting to entertain him inside, I decided we both needed a little fresh air. I scooped him up into my Ergo carrier (my favorite by far!) and tucked his blue blankie in with him. Within minutes of wandering through the backyard he fell asleep.

With B. and D. happily entertained inside by Curious George, I settled in with E. at the picnic table to enjoy a few quiet moments and recharge from a stressful morning.

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OK – so it’s not entirely faceless…but people have always told me how expressive and intense my eyes are – and I think this little snapshot taken with my phone captured those eyes that everyone else sees.      

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you’re so vain…

Posted in memoir, self-discovery, why I blog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 20, 2012 | 6 Comments »

…you probably think this blog is about you.

Well, you’re wrong! It’s about me! (I’m the vain one here!)

Vanity & Aging.

It happens to the best of us. No matter how hard we try to defy time (and gravity!) our bodies insist of sagging and wrinkling and discoloring (age spots, gray hairs).

And I think it’s one of those things – like having kids – that you don’t fully understand until it happens to you. Until more recent years, I never really understood why women would spend hundreds of dollars on those anti-aging elixirs…or even cosmetic surgery!

I always thought I would “age gracefully” – which meant that I would look years younger than I actually was! But, today, at 36 years old, when I look in the mirror, or I see photos of myself, I think, “Who is that woman?!”

I don’t feel old…but I sure do look old!

I know that part of my problem stems from my tumultuous relationship with my own mother. Instead of seeing myself, I see my mom. Damn you, genetics! Don’t get me wrong, she is an attractive woman, but she’s the last person I want looking back at me in my mirror!

This aging thing feels like it just snuck up on me.  I was busy for the past 7 years being a wife and mother (I even juggled career for the first four years!) and unfortunately, I lost myself along the way.  Not entirely, mind you.  But I certainly lost the part that swore she would never “let herself go“.

I have let myself go.  I wear elastic waistbands (oh how I heart thee yoga pants!) 95% of the time…because they’re so comfy and I still have about 15 lbs of baby fat to lose (my baby is almost two now, so that baby fat excuse is getting pretty thin!).  I seldom wear makeup…and my freckles are starting to morph into age spots, not to mention the wrinkles around my eyes and forehead.   Can you say, “Laser surgery is my friend”?

I am fully aware of the “You’re only as old as you feel” adage.  And mentally, I am feeling better than I have in so, so long.  I am very grateful for that.  I do realize that maybe my outward appearance has slipped because I’ve been doing lots of restructuring and sorting out on the inside.  I also realize that I am certainly not alone in my wishful vanities and anti-aging battles.

I’m still me.  That mom-like person looking back at me in the mirror…that’s still me too.  I am a mom (but that does not mean that I am my mom).  Who I am on the outside is not nearly as important as who I am on the inside…but I have a sneaking suspicion now that my insides are humming along my outsides want some much needed (and missed!) attention!

 

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It seems a little shallow and silly to be talking so much about my outsides…but the outside and the inside both play a part in what makes me a whole person!  Society is so hypocritical – expecting supermodel beauty, but telling you how shameful vanity is!  Do you feel like your insides and outsides match/work together?  

Just Write is already in it’s 40th weekly installment…go read some more!

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a garden update

Posted in beginnings, creative hobbies, family, fun, gardening, photography, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on June 15, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

We planted our garden about 10 days ago.  B. and E. had fun playing in the dirt.  D., well, he lost interest after the first couple plants…not what I expected, considering he was the most excited about making a garden this year!  Six year olds – go figure!

garden1

We have three of these little circles, each with similar veggies growing. One for each of the kiddos.

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They are probably a bit undersized for the plants, but we’ll just see how it all grows this year. So far there have been two hail storms that threatened to rip these little guys to shreds…thankfully, the hail stayed about pea-sized and little damage was done!

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I am looking forward to watching these gardens grow, watching my kiddos learn to take care of them, and learning about growing my family’s food – something I’ve always been curious about, but never tried.

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These three little gardens are going to be one of our summertime adventures this year! Here’s to long sunshine-y days!

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The Gift {Trifecta}

Posted in creative hobbies, fiction, why I blog, tagged , , , , , , , on June 14, 2012 | 4 Comments »

Source: topit.me via Pinterest

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“Be a good boy, Mosley.”

I felt the sun’s warmth still lingering in the bricks on the garage wall as I leaned back. I slid my thumb across the shiny rectangle in my hand, tapped here and there, looking for something to fill the time. June’s cool night air rustled my hair into my face.

Outside the wooden gate, I heard something moving.  Then, a faint grunting sound.

“Damn it!” I hissed. “That raccoon!”  I said loudly, in hopes that the little bandit would be startled and find another back alley trash can to dine from.

Mosley’s flat little pug face was vacuuming the grass, in search of a spot worthy of his poo.

“Be a good boy, Mosley. Let’s go night-night.”

I coaxed him along, wondering if there would ever be a day that didn’t end or begin with me involved with some sort of defecation.  Between diaper changes, potty training and Mosley my poo-less prospects were slim.

The muffled grunt, and rustle had caught Mosley’s attention this time too.  He was kicking his back legs for a job well done, and woofing his little yappy snort.

I opened the back gate into the alley, searching the gravel for trash, and a fleeting coon.

But nothing.

There it was again.

Except, instead of a grunt, it sounded like the soft gurgle of a baby – a human baby.

I felt my arm hairs prickle with the chill of uncertainty.  I picked up Mosley, wanting to head back inside. He growled at the lilacs near the garage and I saw movement in the dimly lit alley; it was definitely not a raccoon.

Rocking ever so slightly, with tiny feet peering out from a fluttering, fuzzy blanket, there sat a baby carrier, with an envelope duct taped to the handle.

“It’s a baby, Mosley.” Although I was mostly just talking to myself, out of sheer disbelief.  I walked over, and knelt down.  A pale green pacifier bobbed frantically in her tiny mouth.

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I had to try my hand (or words, in this case!) again at Trifecta this week!  I forgot how fun writing fiction and spinning up a story can be! Thanks Trifecta for some much needed inspiration!   Now go check out all the other awesome participants this week.

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everything zen

Posted in family, fun, memoir, summer, why I blog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 12, 2012 | 2 Comments »

Zen – (n) 1. contemplation of one’s essential nature to the exclusion of all else is the only way of achieving pure enlightenment

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I am settling into summer’s essence. Sunshine warming my skin, vibrant blue skies above, and the hum of life all around me.

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We walked down to the school-park again this morning. It’s quiet and I love watching E. wander around picking dandelions.

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My eyes, my ears…my senses are so much more alive right now than I ever remember them being before. I watched my little people running and playing and rolling down the grassy hills. I thought about joining in, I really did.

And maybe I should have.

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Except that it felt so inexplicably perfect to sit on the steps and watch them be them.

They are happy. They are content. And they are so full of love.

I lost myself in the moment, just floating above it all while a true and deep sense of calm radiated itself through my body.

I don’t really have words for it. Just Be comes to mind, yet it was so much more and so much less – in the true nature of Zen.

I do know this…it was good.

{just write}

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Have you ever found yourself truly in the moment? Does time ever stand still, only for you to realize it after the fact? I’m not talking “sci-fi” here, I’m talking real life. Have you found that place where you are safe to lose yourself? For me, my kids take me there all the time – and so does my free-writing/journaling…sometimes even when I’m sewing I feel myself floating away. What about you?

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closer to fine

Posted in gray area, self-discovery, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 11, 2012 | 2 Comments »

daisies

 

Connections.

It’s a topic that everyone seems to be interested in, ingrained in the human condition.

Is it possible to ever really, truly connect with someone on an emotional level?

I think we all try to, to some degree or another.

Except – first don’t we need to understand our own emotions before we can begin to explain them, or share them with others?

This is where I am right now.

The realization that I don’t really know what emotion(s) I have.

I’m certainly not emotionless. But I don’t know how to explain them, or how to really share them for that matter! This is likely where I’ve been for most of my life. Between being an introvert by nature, and learning to walk on eggshells to try to keep the peace at home (the nurture part), I have a tendency to stuff everything down into those lint-filled pockets of my inner self.

I realize that I am not unique in this way. Most of us, as children, were taught to suppress our emotions, especially those outwardly messy ones like fear and even pain.

When someone asks, “How are you?” Do you respond truthfully?

Are you really, “Fine, thanks.” ?

Does anyone really want to know how truly miserable (or even truly elated) you are really feeling?

Most of us, myself included, find security in the “Fine.” It’s the gray area of ordinariness that we find ourselves in on a daily basis.

Being “fine” is the benchmark of our existence.

I even catch myself telling my own children, “You’re fine.”, when they are clearly not fine.

I wish I had some tidy way to tie up these thoughts…

We all walk the line of “fine” every single day. We wrap ourselves up in that cozy blanket of “fine” and we go about our lives wondering how to truly feel connected to any of it.

Is it the “just fine” that keeps us separate?

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How important are emotional connections to you? Do you feel like you are successful in making them? Or do you tend to tell everyone you are “just fine”, even when you are not? Are we wrong in telling are children that they are “just fine” too? Do the social networks help us to connect…or are we just finding our digital “just fine”?

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carefree summer day

Posted in family, fun, gardening, summer, tagged , , , , , , , , on June 4, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

The morning was filled with garden stores and lunch away from home – me, D., B. and E. Usually it’s a bit stressful, considering I am grossly outnumbered (not to mention they are 6, 4 and 1!)! But today, it wasn’t too bad. Dare I say, it was even enjoyable! (who is this person, and where did she come from?! – I hope she’s planning to stay awhile!)

Our seedlings didn’t fare too well when we transplanted them. Our backyard gets hot-hot, and well, I should’ve used some of our beach umbrellas for a little direct-sun protection for the first few days. Oh well! I’m learning the hard way! So instead of looking at a sad and empty garden bed all summer long, we decided to purchase some nursery grown veggies.

Our evening will be filled with dirty little fingers and toes, planting our new little friends. And I will likely dig out the beach umbrellas for added protection from the sun in the days to come! I am determined to grow this garden!

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I am so honored to be the winner of this weekend’s Trifecta challenge…what a happy surprise for Monday!
Thanks to all those who have stopped by to read and to those who have taken the time to comment too! I love it! XOXO

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