That’s my keyword for 2013.
It’s taken me over an month to come to it. I’ve never been big on New Year’s Resolutions. January and February are for hibernating, not hitting the gym! I like to let the energy of the new year settle in for a while, before I decide where it is going to lead me on my journey.
In reflection 2012 was a little edgy. Last January and February (in full disaccord to my own beliefs about hibernation) I bleached out my long brown tresses – like platinum blonde! – and then decided on a whim to cut those crunchy fried locks. I weilded the scissors myself one afternoon during nap time! I didn’t go all Britney Spears (remember the shaved head incident?) But I did lop off about 6 inches and ended up with it at chin length after my shocked stylist fixed it all up for me again. I was frantically trying to change myself and leave my past behind. But I was only looking on the outside – which really is the easiest part to change.
Springtime brought with it an epiphany of sorts and I started going to counseling. That’s when everything started making a lot more sense. By Fall, I had finally decided to confront my problems rather than continue to avoid them. And well, that was partially freeing, but mostly painful. At least I spoke my truth. Even if it was only met with more accusations of how wrong and horrible I am.
With winter just weeks old, the universe decided to throw me into the fire of grief, love, pain and hope. I took lots of naps, but did very little writing. I found solace in cooking and sewing instead. The decided snaps while chopping vegetables. The simple rhythm of the sewing machine. It was very meditative for me, shutting down the crazy, babbling monkey in my brain.
I had lengthy and emotional conversations (and rants) with Owen. I voiced my worries and fears for my sister. I voiced my frustrations and disappointment and anger toward my parents and their actions (or inactions in most cases).
It all kept me from imploding into myself. I wasn’t about to slip into that deep and dark hole. I just needed to get through it all and find some time to breathe and just be.
I never got around to the healing last year.
The truth seemed to do a good job of crumbling the past (and some of the present).
Now it’s time to clean up the mess and make way for a new beginning…
::: ::: ::: ::: ::: ::: ::: :::
I’ve rediscovered SARK’s writing and am hoping to give this healing process a little extra help with her books Transformation Soup and Glad No Matter What. Have you read these titles? Do you have any must-reads on healing?